I was contemplating my own perfection when it dawned on me that, well, I just don't give enough back to the e2 community. So for all of you the jilted, the confused, the terminally stupid; I give you this:

An advice column authored by a misanthropic megalomaniac,
carefully tailored to meet the needs of the neurotic, the paranoid and the substandard.

You must be so excited. It warms my cold brittle heart to see your eyes light up so.

ahem...

Anyway, this is the way it works:

You
1. Create a write-up here asking me your question about life, love or some such trivial crap
   or
2. Pollute my e-mail box with your emotionally diseased ramblings by sending them to:
   

   askmojoe@mindfucked.net

and I, your benevolent leader shall:
1. Take pity upon your life, resisting the urge to simply put you out of your misery and bestow an infallible answer to your shallow questions.
2. Cruelly turn my back upon you, allowing you to gaze briefly upon my warm hearth before slamming the door in your face; leaving you alone and cold, at the mercy of the dark snowy night.
3. Simply make fun of you and not even attempt to answer your insultingly commonplace inquiries.
4. Kill you outright.

Don't be afraid, there is only a marginal chance of pre-mature termination; I've been in a good mood as of late. So send in your... whatevers and I shall probably do something witty and we can all have a good laugh at your expense.

Thank you,

-moJoe

. : O ( Sage advice dispensed ) O : .

=| Ask moJoe : Dear Credulous in Cambridge |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear (Longwinded Asslicker) Anonymous |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Wanted in NJ |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Concerned |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Jeered-at in Jerusalem |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Spamtasic in Wallawalla |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Yakks the Plumer |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Curious in Canada |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Baffled On Beacon Hill |=
=| Ask moJoe : Dear Conquerer in California |=

Dear Mr moJoe, Sir,

I hope it is permissible for a lowly initiate such as myself to seek assistance from so elevated a being as you

I have a mission, you see, to subvert society, to make it a place that I, and others like me, can feel at home in.

I had made my first tentative steps, cast a tiny pebble or two into the water, and was watching the pretty ripples start to spread, when I was struck with terrible fears:

What if my actions were to destabilise the nodegel itself? Will E2 become a wasteland of devastation? Will I single-handedly have destroyed the lives of thousands of noders?

Please reassure me, or, if you can't, at least give me some idea of how long I have to run away, before the shit hits the fan.

Gratefully yours,

Anxious of the Antipodes

So, Mr. moJoe, sir... You don't mind me talkin' to you in the first person, do you? I know how mad you can get when people don't do right, and I want to do right. Oh, so badly, I do, sir. And I know you might be one of several people who could get me fixed with this problem I'm having, but you might be the only one that will answer me. I've messed up a lot of my connections since the incident... Well, gosh darn it, I guess I'll try to get to the point. I know how you hate it when stupid people waste your time. You do hate that, don't you, Mr. moJoe? I've sorta got some kinda extra special sensory perception thingy and it just told me that about you. And when I saw your home node picture with all the weird shiny colors and stuff, and you with that buzz cut that just seemed to scream out, "Mess around with me, will ya'?" Well, I've got to say, I was a little worried about even asking this question and all. But since I'm here now and I guess I might as well get on with it, eh? I've tried to solve this little problem on my own, but things just never work out the way we want them to go sometimes, do they? Well, for me, they don't. And I can tell you that, by golly. I guess they do for you, being all so buffed up and studly and all. Gee, wouldn't life be just a little nicer if all us guys were all shiny and new and ready for the big night on the town, like you, eh? Well, a bunch of fiddlesticks. I don't even feel like bothering you any more, now. I'm just going to go lower another bucket of franks in that hole in my basement and I'll write you again tomorrow if things are still all messed up around here. Please don't be mad, OK?

Dear Boss:
You still ain't payin' me near enough what I'm worth. I ain't but slept in three days, what with all them kooks 'n psychos bangin' on your door axin' for your wisdom and know how.

I'm watchin ya sleep boss, ya know, how ya like me to. Them guard pigs is snufflin' through the five pizza boxes ya left next to your bed, afta breakfast. I'm still hungerin' even after that cube a tofu you gimme for lunch last week.

I'm evaluatin' my self worth boss, likya told me when ya said:

"Mr. ToasterLeavings, I doubtless believe that your cretinous cognitive machinations and remarkably unsavoury oratory would challenge even the most learned and erudite of cerebrally impaired invertebrates. As needs must, you should gaze with adamantine intent and Sisyphusine patience into the mirror of critical self inspection. You will doubtless find yourself wanting, and mayhap, might engender deep within the abyss that is your soul, some small spark of procrustean change upon your intractably feral psyche. Now pray leave, you are despoiling the last vestiges of my happier ruminations.

It took me a coupla weeks, but I figured out whatchoo was sayin, cause I been tapin' everything. It ain't all good boss. Dose voices is back talkin' at me again. I kinda don't know what ta do, what with 450lbs of you lyin' there sleepin', the voices tellin' me to go stabby again, and me thinkin' that I don't wanna give you another sponge bath not ever.

-Sitting, Watchin' You Dribble and Mutter dose Big Words in the chair, five feet away. Got me a hammer.

Dear MoJoe,

What would possess you to create a node like this? Was it boredom, or just an easy, and maybe humorous way to get XP and writeups?

I also have another question. My mother beats me and my father thinks he's a goldfish... what's your stance on large companies polluting the environment just for corperate gain?

Thanks,
Spamtasic in Wallawalla.

Dear moJoe,

Is it really you answering all the questions? Or is it just some underpaid staffer going through them all, and composing stock replies pretending to come from your almightiness?

Jeered-at in Jerusalem.

Dear MoJoe,

Greetings and salutations, I trust that my missive finds you in excellent health and spirit. I hope that the unfortunate rumors I've heard about that rash are false.

I have oft noted your sagacious dispensation of advice and wonder if you would be so magnanimous as to put your considerable mental acumen to use in my favor. To whit, I have run into a considerable quandary and wonder if you can slice your way through my proverbial Gordian knot.

At this writing, my armies of Giant Robots and Angry Lesbian Powerlifters are poised to a launch an attack on every major capital in the world. Since the world leaders are at this time occupied with the Olympics in Australia or secret liquor binges, my advisors estimate that the world shall be mine in appromixately seventy-hours.

My question, therefore, is this: my conquest of the entire world will be complete by Monday 7:45PM GMT, since this will take place some two weeks after the American Labor Day, would it be entirely inappropriate for me to wear white to my inauguration?

Thank you,

Conquerer in California

Dear moJoe,

Duuuuude! Like, these 'shrooms you gave me are really fuckin' good, man. See, lookit this--wheeee! Wheeeeee! Didja see? That was soooo cool. Wheeeee!

Oh, wait. I gotta go yuke. Hang on.

BLLEEEEAAARGHHFFF!

HHUUUAAARRFFF!

P-Toooee!

Whoa. That felt so weird.

So anyway, man, it's like, everything's all interconnected, right? We are all One with the Universe, right? You see what I'm sayin'?

Okay, man. I gotta go get some Chee-tos.

Rock on, dude!
Trippin' in Topeka

Dear moJoe,

As many noders already know, I have a split personality. There is me, a crazy, geeky, naive noder who is, most importantly, male. Then there is Senshi Red, who is vocal and is quite level-headed.

Senshi Red is also female. As in, not the same sex as me. As you can see, this leads to general confusion and problems here, especially when I transform (stop looking! Nothing to see here!).

So there is the issue of social gatherings here on Everything. How should I go about being social as both mes and not cause my fellow noders to make fools of themselves?

Thanks,
Schizophrenic in Orbit