I came back from work on 4:00 am, and stayed awake until the morning. This is nothing out of the ordinary for me, except for a terrifying event that occurred shortly after.

Around 7:00 am I came by the kitchen to pick up some milk. My cat was outside, calling me to let her in for food. My 12 years old cat, decided a few weeks ago that she doesn't want to live in the house anymore, after a long period in which she was afraid to go outside. I have trouble understanding that cat.

Anyway, I've decided on a little experiment: I'll force the cat into the house (where she lived for the last 12 years without any problem) and see how it goes. Soon comes the scary part. Well, a silent house, the cat is positioned in the living room. She starts to growl, meow and show signs of distress, walking around carefully looking in all directions, then she starts running panicked to the window and outside.

I don't know if you believe in the the sixth sense, but I recall reading in some book that animals can sense stuff that we don't. Immediately after the cat ran out, I had a terrifying feeling about an evil presense in the house! (imagine the zoom-in-pull-away camera effect often used in movies in such situations). I'm imagining scenes from Ringu: I'm pouring the milk I was about to take and then look back only to find.... Ahhhhh! Go the bathroom to in order to piss, lift the lid up, see a decapitated head! ahhhhhhhhhhh! (That scene is my own invention, not from Ringu).

I know what you'd say, I probably live in the movies.

People say that I think I am a perfect angel when I'm not.

I know that I'm not, but they say that I play myself to be one. I tell them that a perfect angel doesn't cut, drink, or think of suicide all the time. Granted I've drunk myself drunk once and that was the last time for me, People don't believe me that I don't drink anymore, same with my cutting. People don't understand the concept of me quitting, they bring it up ALL the time like I still do it. They've even labeled me as a cutter.

Yes... Sometimes I get pissed off and lock myself in my room with my thumb tacks at hand because my family hurt my feelings once again. But that's all I do... Its all I can do. Just hold the tack in my hand and wonder on if its worth it or not, If the problem is worth going to the hospital again. Then I just cry even harder because I thought of Cutting again. Well I've been cut-free for more then a year now and yes I have to live with scars on my body, but as much as I want to I can't blame anyone for that but myself. Yes, it's easy to say, "it's because my friend and I got into a fight," or "it's because my sister almost overdosed," or "my family and I are having problems," and before I just refused to think more of it... we will make up, she's fine now, and families do that. It took me a long time to realize this and now that I know it I feel better; I'm not healed or cured, but I feel better.

I admit that I am still weak; one slip and I could fall and, when I do, I might not be able to get back up. But unlike before, I have friends now that will be there for me at the bottom of the hill to help me back up it... even if I don't like it. Before they were there at the top being the ones that pushed me down and I loved it. While I was in the hospital for a week, I realized that my friends and family really did care about me and if I had a problem I could just go to them. As for my thoughts of suicide, I still have them and as much as I want to act upon them I wont because I have a career that I need to set myself for and I have college to think about now. Besides when I'm not in a suicidal moment I think of all my friends and family that will miss me and how my true friends will be heart broken if I left them. No I don't know if I have real true friends but I know of two that promises to be with me though thick and thin till death do us part and the whole nine yards there. So, for that I hold on till it is my real time to go: the one where I die not by me but by something or someone else. Besides, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and as long as that's in my head I wont act upon my thoughts of suicide - only write down what it is and get rid of it for good.