The new Old Car Owner makes the mistake of investigating these noises.

This is a grievous error and will often frighten the car into malfunction. Never investigate clicking noises, it just riles up the gods of automobile entropy. What used to be a clicking noise suddenly turns into an oily mess that costs $700 to replace. If the noise bothers you, simply ignore it. The noise will eventually turn into a more manageable and less irritating cloud of white smoke. Contrary to popular belief smoke is a good thing. Smoke means your car is working. When it stops making smoke, it will soon stop moving.

I encountered such a clickety noise the other day in my beloved Gregor. To be fair the noise started after I clipped a curb and may have been my fault. Despite my experience I made the mistake of investigating and found a horrible oily mess. My truck immediately stopped working properly and expensive repairs were necessary.

I too am the (well, now, former) owner of an old car, in my case a 1986 Dodge Omni. It made all sorts of nasty noises, specifically when turning left. This eventually turned out to be my engine mount slowly tearing in two. It snapped and cost me about $700 in repairs. That's what I get for attempting to find out what was wrong.

Another similar situation involves those mysterious lights such as 'Check Engine' or 'Picture of Really Old Oil Can Looking Thing' and the ever popular 'Thermometer and Some Wavy Lines'. These lights are best ignored at all costs. I made the fatal mistake of investigating the cause of the oil light coming on in my car, and bam, it suddenly became an oily mess. Actually it was more a mess that involved oil, or lack thereof in this case. The bottom line is that the car has now been retired to that great big junkyard in the sky.

If you are experiencing noises in your older car, there's a foolproof way to make them go away. Just simply turn on the stereo. If you can still make out noises other than your radio station of choice then turn it up louder. In some extreme cases a new stereo might need to be purchased before the sound will completely go away. I recommend one that goes to 11.