No one can know what you want unless you tell them

Clean Communication

1. Definition. When Joan says "upset," she means that she is very worried and frightened. When her partner Gail says "upset," she means that she feels angry and irritated. You have to define your key affective word to clarify your meaning...

2. Intensity. ...If you are a little angry, say "a little" or "slightly." Choose synonyms that denote mild anger: "annoyed, irritated." If you are extremely angry, say so, or choose synonyms that make the intensity of your anger clear: "enraged, outraged, furious."

3. Duration. [Explaining] how long you have been feeling this way... can be another indicator that helps your partner gauge the seriousness or intensity of your feelings.

4... context. ...It's very tempting to blame your partner for any negative feelings you may be experiencing. This is especially true if your bad feelings really do stem directly from some unfair or inconsiderate action by your partner. But blame never solves problems... Your partner is moved to self-defense, not sympathy and problem solving. It's better to choose your words carefully so that you describe the context of your feelings without directly ascribing blame or causation:
"I felt mad after you broke the dishes."
"When I get an overdraft notice from the bank, I get very worried."
"When I was home alone today, I started to get depressed."

5. Historical precedents. Often it is helpful to share what this feeling reminds you of - some time in your past when you felt the same way...

I feel very angry (key affective word}. I'm upset and disappointed and I really feel let down (definition). This trip was a big deal for me (intensity). The moment I realized that you had forgotten to make the reservations (duration), I had this sinking feeling, just like when my sister didn't show up for my birthday (historical precedent). When I don't get something I've been counting on (context), it really hits me hard.

Contaminated messages mix or mislabel these components to create hurt and confusion. A woman who sarcastically says to her partner at the dinner table, "You're talkative as usual," may pretend her statement is a simple observation. But the observation is contaminated with judging thoughts, feelings and needs. A more accurate statement would include all four components of a whole message: "I notice you're pretty quiet tonight (observation). It makes me think you're not interested in me (thought), and I feel hurt and a little angry (feeling). I'd really like you to talk with me more (need)."

...It's not so much that something is left out, as in a partial message, but what's said is covert or disguised.

An effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question, especially a "why" question... "Why don't you ever clean up after yourself?" is, even more clearly not a simple request for information. It could be more accurately be stated using all four elements of a whole message: "You tend to leave your clothes on the floor when you get undressed (observation). It makes me think that you want me to pick them up (thought). And I end up feeling taken for granted and unappreciated (feeling). I'd like to talk about our expectations with respect to housework (need)."