1
Suzi and I loved the Lethal Weapon movies. As far as we were concerned, there was no duo cooler than Riggs and Murtaugh. Imagine our confusion when the local too-hip newspaper, the Dallas Observer dubbed Martin and Roger 'the salt-and-pepper kings of homoerotic comedy.' "Now wait a minute," said I—"I've seen all of the first three Lethal Weapon flicks about a zillion times ... Did I miss something?"
The point is not about homosexuality. Riggs and Murtaugh would have been no less cool if they had been in love, although it would have been a completely different series of tales. The point is this: why can't people be affectionate without some kind of conclusions being jumped to? When a couple of partners care for one another, depend upon one another—many people automatically make assumptions, often incorrect ones.
Why it is so weird to have a friend, a partner who is as close to you (or closer) than anyone else in the world?
2
Back when people still talked about who shot J.R. and 64K was a lot of RAM, I met a cool, mature young woman at my high school. She had a great smile, love of horror movies and a sense of humor that was at least as weird as my own. My attractive new friend was younger than me—a mere Freshman (I used to use the term "freshperson" as a silly aside to gender neutral speech, it caught on and Suzi was briefly known as freshperson).
It was a great relationship. We used to go to her home and hang out, playing Apple II games by the hours (ah ... Odyssey, Crush, Crumble, and Chomp! and Temple of Apshai how quaint and innocent you seem now!). My freshperson and I went to movies, went to the mall and spent time with her parents, as teenagers will do when dating.
She was 13 and I was 17 ... there would have been some very serious ethical, not to mention legal issues if we'd had much of a physical relationship. I think her parents may have been a little bit concerned at first about their girl dating a boy who was that so much older, even one who was polite and got good grades, but not much happened, I can assure you.
3
There are quite a few platonic couples in popular (and not-so-popular) entertainment. Thing is, there always seem to be people who aren't satisfied unless said couples are doing the horizontal mambo. Mulder and Scully (from the X-Files) had a big group of devotees called "shippers" who wanted them to have a romantic entanglement (and also a big base of fans called "no-romos" who wanted their friendship to remain on a platonic level). Xena and Gabrielle—okay, bad example, producer Rob Tapert has admitted that they put in lesbian subtext for fun, but what about Batman and Robin? The Lone Ranger and Tonto? Laverne and Shirley? Okay, I'll confess that I've long thought that Lone Ranger and Tonto would have made a good couple, but that is hardly the point!
4
By the time Suzi was old enough—a physical relationship seemed ... somehow wrong, look, I can't really explain it, it just never worked out that way. Our friendship had grown so close and intimate, but without that hearts-and-flowers stuff that society seems to require.
A few years ago, she wrote an essay about platonic partnership for a discussion site. The point was to defend her position on the Mulder and Scully situation. I quote her: "Many partners, whether they be cops, firemen, FBI agents or, more rarely, just friends, have a friendship which can be compared in intensity and closeness only to a childhood best friend."
We went through some rough times together, and we grew up. By the late 1980s, it had gotten to the point where we shared all the same interests, friends and hangouts. Life apart would have been almost inconceivable.
5
Are we really so sex or relationship-obsessed that people can't even be platonic friends? Apparently, the answer is yes, at least in many cases. My elderly mom, to the last days of her life, insisted on telling people that her friend and handyman was her nephew, so people wouldn't get ... you know, the wrong idea. This was despite the fact that he was 30 years her junior, and really, if the truckers at Waffle House want to gossip, I don't think claiming blood kinship is gonna stop them.
It doesn't stop with humans! Bert and Ernie, a couple of muppets, had some harsh critics who wouldn't let kids watch Sesame Street because they thought that the puppet odd couple were gay lovers. Okay, it may be a little odd that the two share a bedroom, but I guarantee you, they aren't lovers. This is Sesame Street, not Meet the Feebles, for crying out loud!
6
Of course, Suzi and I have, on occasion, gone out with other people. This could get weird. We heard a lot of things like "I don't think I approve of your relationship" and "I'd never let my boyfriend have a female best friend." Of course, we also heard a chorus of co-workers, friends and acquaintances saying "Why don't you two just give up and get married already?" Most of them were well-meaning, but they don't seem to understand—it is like having a childhood best friend—Calvin can't marry Hobbes, that just is not how it works!
I quote my partner once again: "For mixed-gender partners, the awesome weight of societal expectation comes crashing in. Unless one of the partners is openly gay, the expectation is that the bond must unfailingly be a romantic one (and even being openly gay would not stem some speculations). The problem with that is "adult" complications like sex and romantic behavior may sometimes occur, but they remain subordinate to the partner bond. In fact, a partner would not describe themselves as "in love" with the other partner and partners frequently date other people."
And yes, on occasion, we have had physically intimate friendships with other people. It is rare, but it can be very nice, as long as everybody is on the same page.
7
There are even rules governing how men are supposed to act when they go out together (on so-called "Man Dates"—I kid you not), so people won't get, you know, the wrong idea. Guys go out to a sports bar or the gym, but they are not supposed to go to a nice restaurant or for a walk in the park. This is obviously partially just plain homophobia, but it is exponentially more difficult for opposite-sex friends, particularly very close ones.
8
A few years back, Suzi gave me a card for Valentine's Day which I treasure to this day. An excellent cartoonist, she drew some great pairs that reminded her of us. Hotheaded King Arthur prepared to rout his foes as wise Merlin gently pointed out that he might want to round up some knights first. Artemus Gordon scolded Jim West (Wild Wild West) for stepping boldly into a fray with some desperados. David Letterman and Paul Shaffer compared notes on the fun of trained circus
hamsters. The next-to-last page* had Hobbes telling Calvin "I think kind words are the basis of existence." His companion quipped, "Nah, it's chocolate." That really sums it up as well as anything I could have said.
9
Back in the remote past, it was common practice for women in certain occupations to be forbidden from marrying. Nursing and teaching are two examples that are usually cited. My elderly aunts, both schoolteachers, remained unmarried, living together, until their final days. Some same-sex couples moved in together—bachelors and spinsters, growing old together. A few of these pairs were undoubtedly closeted gay couples, and some were surely platonic life partners. I have heard anecdotes to the effect that opposite-sex platonic couples were not unheard-of. Usually, these couples posed as spouses or relatives, sharing a home ("This is my cousin Evangeline, I rent a room from her."—that sort of thing).
10
And so we come to the present. Suzi and I have been together for close on a quarter of a century, well over half of our lifetimes. Best friends, we spend a lot of time together.
Most people can eventually understand, but societal pressures are huge. Once in awhile, a prying acquaintance will press the issue: "How can you love each other and not have sex?" "All that time and you aren't married?" As a result, I don't discuss it all that often, usually passing Suzi off as "girlfriend" or "housemate." On occasion, I will discover that the same people who are so curious about us have bitter marriages, painful divorces and dishonest extramarital affairs in their past ... or in their present.
Considering the sources, a platonic life partner isn't a bad option at all.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey man! You're doin' eighty on the shoulder!"
Martin Riggs: "I can't do it on the freeway!"
Murtaugh: "Well yeah, you're not supposed to!"
Riggs: "Why not?"
—from the card
* The last page had us ... of course!
References:
While I have a girlfriend, can my best friend be female by Sudderth—a really good treatment of the subject
Lee, Jennifer, "Weird eyes for straight guys who just want to go out", The New York Times, 12 April, 2005.
Eberhard, Suzi, "Partners" (posted on some X-Files website around 1999).
Eberhard, Suzi, "A Valentine Card" (given to me in the early 90s).
All of Suzi's material used with permission (of course, how could I do otherwise?)