Billy: "You'll never get away with this, you Martian!" Notoriously poor fantasy film, released in 1964. It was directed by Nicholas Webster and written by Paul L. Jacobson and Glenville Mareth. Some of the "stars" include John Call as Santa Claus, Leonard Hicks as Kimar, Vincent Beck as Voldar, Bill McCutcheon as Dropo, Victor Stiles as Billy, Donna Conforti as Betty, Chris Month as Bomar, Pia Zadora as Girmar, and Doris Rich as Mrs. Claus.
So what causes a normally jolly gift-giver to invade and conquer a whole alien planet? Well, it's actually all the Martians' fault anyway. The people of Mars are, in general, a bunch of utter fuckwits. Their skin is painted green, they wear blubber-hugging jumpsuits and bizarre metal helmets, and they're all sad and mopey for no good reason. The children of Mars are all obsessed with Earth TV shows (and can you blame them, considering all those great documentary programs about the Teletubbies of Arcturus-9?), and all the kids are just nuts for this Santa Claus character who brings gifts to all good boys and girls. The Martian parents aren't happy that their kids are wasting all that time in front of the tube when they should be practicing for their tripod classes and manufacturing Black Smoke, so at the suggestion of some random hermit, they send an expedition to Earth to kidnap Kris Kringle and a couple of Earth children who just happen to be around.
To make things even worse for Old Saint Nick, one particularly nasty Martian named Voldar tries to throw Santa out an airlock! But when they get to Mars, Santa, the two kids, and a dull-witted Martian named Dropo (the name is Martian for "He Who Should Be Exiled to the Icy Wastes of Pluto so that Yithians May Experiment on His Frozen Carcass") defeat the aliens by bringing the joy of Christmas to the children of Mars. Hot damn! Who knew it'd be that easy?
And after that, the audience is treated to a sing-along of the film's theme: the Dirge of Yuletide Horror, or "Hooray for Santy Claus", written by Roy Alfred and Milton Delugg.
You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!
He's fat and round, but jumping jiminy,
He can climb down any chiminey.
Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?
Our hearts go ding-a-ling!
Incredibly, this movie was actually scheduled for a remake recently! It was going to be written by Ben Edlund, the guy who created "The Tick". It was scheduled to be released in the summer of 2002, so it looks like cooler heads at the studio put the kibosh on it, thank Marley.
If the opportunity arises for you to watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", pray that you'll get to watch the episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" where they ridicule this flick. Otherwise, invest in gin.
Research from the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), "The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide", p. 59, and Captain Button for help tracking down the lyrics. Thanks to sid for applying enough pressure to get me to node this. |
