So, the question is: What do Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and Pulp Fiction have in common? Answer: Samuel L. Jackson. So, picture the opening scene to Pulp Fiction, with Sam Jackson as Mace instead of Jules and instead of Vincent (John Travolta) there is Yoda, and you will have:

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STAR WARS: EPISODE P (the P is for Parody) The Pulp Menace

INTERIOR. CLOSED TOPPED LAND SPEEDER RACING DOWN A CITY STREET - MORNING

An old white Land Speeder races down a beggar-ridden street in some unnamed planet. In the front seat are two young Jedis, both wearing long brown cloaks over white tunics.

Their names are Yoda and Mace Windu. Mace is behind the controls


MACE

-- okay now, tell me about the spice bars?

YODA

What to know want you?

MACE

Well, smoking spice is legal there, right?

YODA

Legal it is, but a hundred percent legal it ain't. Walk into a restaurant, roll one and smoke up can you not. Only supposed to smoke in your home or certain designated places, you are.

MACE

Those are spice bars?

YODA

Yes. Breaks down like this it does: legal to buy it is, legal to own it is and, if the proprietor of a spice bar you are, legal to sell it is. Legal to carry it is, but matter it does not 'cause -- load of this get -- if security patrols stop you, illegal for them to search you it is. A right that the security on Alderaan don't have searching you is..

MACE

That did it, man -- I'm fuckin' goin', that's all there is to it.

YODA

Dig it the most you will. But know you what the funniest thing about other systems is?

MACE

What?

YODA

Little differences it is. Same shit we got here, a lotta it they got there they do, but there a little different they are..

MACE

Examples?

YODA

Well, buy booze in a movie theater on Alderaan you can. And a paper cup, no. A glass of booze like in a bar they give you. Buy booze at McDonald's you can. Also, know you what call they a Quarter Pounder with Cheese on Tatooine?

MACE

They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

YODA

No, the Huttese number system they have. Know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is, they would not.

MACE

What'd they call it?

YODA

Big Hutt with Cheese, they call it, yes.

MACE

(repeating)
Big Hutt with Cheese. What'd they call a Big Mac?

YODA

Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it Va Big Mac.

MACE

What do they call a Whopper?

YODA

Know I not. Go into Burger King I didn't. But know you what they put on french fries in Dagobah instead of ketchup?

MACE

What?

YODA

Swamp Water.

MACE

Goddamn!

YODA

Seen 'em do it I did. And mean a little bit on the side of the plate I don't. Drown 'em in it, they fuckin' do.

MACE

Uuccch!

CUT TO:
INT. LANDSPEEDER (CARGO COMPARTMENT) - MORNING

The trunk of the landspeeder OPENS UP, Mace reaches in, taking inside, taking out two lightsabers, handing one to Yoda, who is too short to reach the cargo compartment. They both hook them onto their belts under their cloaks.

MACE

We should have high power blasters for this kind of deal.

YODA

Up there, how many are there?

MACE

Three or four.

YODA

Our guy this counts?

MACE

I'm not sure.

YODA

So five guys up there could be?

MACE

It's possible.

YODA

Fuckin' blasters, we should have.

Mace closes the cargo compartment

CUT TO:
INTERIOR OF APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

The two Jedi stand in front of the door numbered "49." They whisper.

MACE

What time is it?

YODA

(checking his watch)
Seven-twenty-two in the morning, it is..

MACE

It ain't quite time, let's hang back.

They move a little away from the door, facing each other, still whispering.

YODA

What think you of Sith there being?

MACE

You mean what happened to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan?

YODA

Yes.

MACE

Look, if a Sith motherfucker had come after me and killed my master, he better paralyze my ass, 'cause I'd kill'a motherfucker, and his fuckin' master too. If you don't, you're a coward.

YODA

Not sayin' he was right to leave Sith master alone, say you coward he was, and say I that also smart to protect Naboo and hunt Sith lord later it is.

MACE

That's an interesting point, but let's get into character.

YODA

In character I am.

MACE

Then lets go to work.


INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING

Three young guys, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with hamburgers, french fries and soda pops laid out. One of them keys the lock on the door, opening it to reveal Mace and Yoda in the hallway.

MACE

Hey kids.

The two men stroll inside.
The three young caught-off-guard Guys are:

MARVIN

The black young man, who opens the door, will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner.

ROGER

A young blond-haired surfer kid with a "Flock of Seagulls" haircut, who has yet to say a word, sits at the table with a big sloppy hamburger in his hand.

BRETT

A white, preppy-looking sort with a blow-dry haircut.

Yoda and Mace take in the place, with their hands in their cloaks. Mace is the one who does the talking.

MACE

How you boys doin'?

No answer.

MACE

(to Brett)
Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question?

BRETT

We're doin' okay.

As Mace and Brett talk, Yoda moves behind the young Guys.

MACE

Do you know who we are?

Brett shakes his head: "No."

MACE

We're associates of your business partner, The Force, you remember your business partner dont'ya?

No answer.

MACE

(to Brett)
Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Brett, right?

BRETT

I'm Brett.

MACE

I thought so. Well, you remember your business partner The Force, dont'ya Brett?

BRETT

I remember it.

MACE

Good for you. Looks like me and Yoda caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

BRETT

Hamburgers.

MACE

Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda hamburgers?

BRETT

Cheeseburgers.

MACE

No, I mean where did you get'em? MacDonald's, Wendy's, Sandperson-in-the-Box, where?

BRETT

Big Jabba Burger.

MACE

Big Jabba Burger. That's that Huttese burger joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

BRETT

They're good.

MACE

Mind if I try one of yours?

BRETT

No.

MACE

Yours is this one, right?

BRETT

Yeah.

Mace grabs the burger and take a bite of it.

MACE

Uuummmm, that's a tasty burger.

(to Yoda)
Yoda, you ever try a Big Jabba Burger?

YODA

No.

Mace holds out the Big Jabbas.

MACE

You wanna bite, they're real good.

YODA

Hungry I am not.

MACE

Well, if you like hamburgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my girlfriend's a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger.

(to Brett)
You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Tatooine?

BRETT

No.

MACE

Tell 'em, Yoda.

YODA

Big Hut with Cheese, it is.

MACE

Big Hut with Cheese, you know why they call it that?

BRETT

Because of the Huttese number system?

MACE

Check out the big brain on Brett. You'a smart motherfucker, that's right. The Huttese number system.

(he points to a fast food drink cup)
What's in this?

BRETT

Sprite.

MACE

Sprite, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

BRETT

Sure.

Mace grabs the cup and takes a sip.

MACE

Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot!

(to Roger)
You, Flock of Seagulls, you know what we're here for?

Roger nods his head: "Yes."

MACE

Then why don't you tell my boy here Yoda, where you got the shit hid.

MARVIN

It's under the be --

MACE

-- I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.

(to Roger)
You were sayin'?

ROGER

It's under the bed.

Yoda moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black security case.

YODA

Got it I have.

Yoda flips the two security locks, opening the case. We can't see what's inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Yoda ust stares at it, transfixed.

MACE

We happy?

No answer from the transfixed Yoda.

MACE

Yoda!

Yoda looks up at Mace.

MACE

We happy?

Closing the case.

YODA

Happy we are. Yes.

BRETT

(to Mace)
Look, what's your name? I got his name's Yoda, but what's yours?

MACE

My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit.

BRETT

I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and The Force. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions --

As Brett talks, Mace takes out his light saber, triggers it and slices off Roger's head, cauterizing both ends. The head thumps onto the floor and rolls against Brett's chair.

Yoda smiles to himself. Mace has got style.

Brett has just shit his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

MACE

(to Brett)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions."

Brett can't say a word.

MACE

Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what The Force is?

Brett still can't speak.

Mace snaps, savagely tipping the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Brett. Brett now sits in a lone chair before Mace like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.

MACE

What country you from!

BRETT

(petrified)
What?

MACE

"What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak Basic in "What?"

BRETT

(near heart attack)
What?

MACE

Basic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

BRETT

Yes.

MACE

Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

BRETT

Yes.

MACE

Now describe what The Force is!

BRETT

(out of fear)
What?

Mace triggers his light saber and holds the blade over Brett?s head.

MACE

Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time!

Brett is regressing on the spot.

MACE

Now describe to me what The Force is!

Brett does his best.

BRETT

Well it's-- an energy field--

MACE

-- go on!

BRETT

...and it's...generated by all living things.

MACE

-- is it a bitch?!

BRETT

(without thinking)
What?

Mace's eyes go to Yoda, Yoda smirks, Mace rolls his eyes and slices Brett's arm off. Brett screams, breaking into a shaking/trembling spasm and clutching his shoulder.

MACE

Is-it-a-bitch?!

BRETT

(in agony)
No.

MACE

Then why did you try to fuck it like one?!

BRETT

(in spasm)
I didn't.

MACE

(Now in a lower voice.)
Yes ya did Brett. Ya tried ta fuck 'it. You ever read the Jedi texts Brett?

BRETT

(in spasm)
Yes.

MACE

There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ben-Wa 25:17. "The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Sith Lords. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Force when I lay my vengeance upon you."

The two men slice Brett simultaneously: Mace decapitating him, Yoda slicing along his beltline. The two top smoking pieces of Brett hit the floor, the legs remaining in the chair.

All is quiet.
The only SOUND is Marvin MUTTERING in the corner.

MARVIN

...goddamn...goddamn...that was fucked up...goddamn, that was cold- blooded...

YODA

(pointing to Marvin)
Friend of yours, is he?

MACE

Yeah, Marvin-Yoda-Yoda-Marvin.

YODA

Shut up he must. On my nerves he's getting.

MACE

Marvin, I'd knock that shit off if I was you.

Then suddenly the bathroom door burts open, and a fourth man (as young as the rest) comes charging out, a huge chrome blaster in his hand.

We DOLLY into a MEDIUM on him.

FOURTH MAN

Die...die...die...die...die...die!

The Fourth Man fires six huge blasts from his blaster in the direction of Yoda and Mace. He screams a maniacal cry of revenge until the blaster fizzles, it's power depleted..

Then...his face does a complete change of expression. It goes from a "Vengeance is mine" expression, to a "What the fuck" blank look.

FOURTH MAN

I don't understand --

The Fourth Man is hacked to pieces as Mace and Yoda trigger their light sabers and rip into him.

FADE TO BLACK

(c) 1999 Matt Caron noded here by permission.