My parents own a hotel that is often hired out as the venue for a wedding; often this is just for the reception, but some also choose to hold the service there as well. The hotel does lend itself very well to being the place where people can pledge their vows to one another; it is very lovely and beautiful and picturesque. More importantly, it has two bars and a dance floor. Not that I'm saying that easy access to alcohol and booty shaking influences people's choice as to where they marry. Actually, I lie; I am saying that. Especially in Wales (not that I'm saying the Welsh have an alcohol and booty shaking problem. Actually, I lie; I am saying that.)

It is an unfortunate fact of life that I will always be indebted to my mother for giving birth to me; this means that I'm often guilted into helping organise and execute the damn things. Duties can include: helping with the food; laying up the tables to cater for 70 people; running the bar; cleaning the bar; and being a butch female bouncer by evicting various guests as and when I feel they've had enough for one evening. Did I mention that I have to do all this for free because of some contractual obligation for a service rendered that I didn't even ask for in the first place? I did?

Other duties that I am honoured with is queuing the music for when the bride walks down the aisle (well, in our case, into the dining room), and wandering around topping up glasses when the bride and groom step up for the first dance. For 90% of the weddings that I've worked at for my parents, I've been giggling like a loon while executing both duties. Why? It's this simple: the bride and groom are declaring their love, devotion and fealty to one another with a completely inappropriate choice of tune. To be fair, I am probably the only person present who's aware of this fact. I do have a slight obsession with music, and have a penchant for music trivia that is a throwback to the days where I worked for HMV. More than that, I have an ability to listen to and understand lyrics, which apparently a lot of people *don't* have. I suppose it's true that people have a tendency in life to focus on the bits they like and ignore the bits they don't (is it just me, or is that not the kind of attitude that one should walk into matrimony with?) Of course, it is an unfortunate fact of life that some of the most heartfelt and emotional songs are songs of love gone bad. However, that's all the more reason not to be playing them at your wedding. Unless you're one of life's pessimists of course, in which case Godspeed to you and your 'the-glass-is-half-empty' way of life.

So, to spare you the embarrassment of having the waiting staff smirking during the first dance, I present to you my list of main-offenders:

• 'Every Breath You Take' by Sting and the Police - My GOD people, have you not listened to the lyrics? It's about stalker love ffs.


• 'One' by U2 - to quote the man himself: "It amazes me when people tell me they played it at their wedding or for comfort at a funeral. I go to myself, 'Are you crazy? It's about breaking up.'" (Los Angeles Times, 8th August 2004.) If you don't believe him, his band mate backed him up in Q magazine: "I often come across people who've told me they played it at their wedding, And I think, 'Have you listened to the lyrics? It's not that kind of a song.'"


• 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion - She's singing for the man who's moved on to the next world without her. Only play this if the bride is some kind of Black Widow serial killer. In fact, if your wife-to-be insists on playing this, assume she's some kind of Black Widow serial killer and get the hell out of there.


• 'Billie Jean' by Michael Jackson - Nope I don't understand it either. Maybe they were focusing on the lyrics about 'a girl who thinks I am the one' and ignoring the rest about the begetting of a love child.


• 'One of Us' by Joan Osbourne - Yes, yes, it's a wonderfully deep and meaningful song. About God's isolation from humanity. What are you doing? Trying to rub it in his face that you have each other, but the only person who's going to be calling him on the phone any time soon is the Pope? He's just lost his only son. Be nice.


• 'Don't Speak' by No Doubt - a classic break-up song of the best kind. Just want you want to have your first dance as man and wife to. I can only assume they'd decided to ignore that inconvenient 'used' in the opening lyrics. I've said it before, and I'm guaranteed to say it again: people are odd.


• 'Suspicious Minds' by Elvis Presley - People are odd. Jeez, I'm just one great big self-fulfilling prophecy.


• 'When a Man Loves a Woman' by Percy Sledge - Fun fact: Sledge made this song up on the spot after he got dumped by his girlfriend seconds before having to go on stage to perform at a club. A song for all those men who've been too blinded by love to notice their girl's layin' down with every man from here to Christendom and back again. But maybe not so appropriate for a first dance...


• 'Perfect Day' by Lou Reed - A beautiful, touching song about one man and his heroin habit. As a side note, I also pissed myself laughing when I found out that Children in Need were going rerecord it and use it as a fundraiser.


• 'Here with Me' by Dido - Written about the morning after the night before, where the night before involved hooking up with a random and taking them home for wild, passionate, anonymous sex. And then wanting more of the same after they've managed to scarper the next day, conveniently forgetting to leave their phone number on the way out.

However, BIG respect to for some truly genius tunes to have played:

• 'She's Having My Baby' by Paul Anka - The bride was 6mths pregnant; it wasn't a shotgun, just bad timing on their part. It was actually the best man that rigged this one, and the couple took it with good humour. After everyone else had left they nailed him to a tree and left him for the crows.


• 'Twist and Shout' by the Beatles - Talk about starting it all on a high note. One of the better weddings; everyone had a smile on their face and the bride and groom nearly set the floor on fire dancing to it.


• 'Gorecki' by Lamb - One day this song will be standard wedding day fair. That day has not yet arrived, so enjoy this beautiful song while you can before all the saps get their hand on it.

Okay, and this write-up probably wouldn't be complete without ruminating over what I'd want played at my wedding (should I ever manage to a) find the perfect man b) kidnap him c) break his will using a combination of torture and humiliation d) brainwash him into loving me. In other circles, this process is called 'having a relationship'.) I've not thought at all long and hard about this, but I think it'd probably have to be Mint Royale's 'Don't Falter'. Happy, positive, and all about the good times. In fact, now that I have thought about it, it is the perfect wedding tune. I'm sure that the broken wreckage of humanity (a.k.a the groom) will love it too. Heh. Like he's got a choice in the matter.

Anyway, I'm going to go reset the mantrap now; it got sprung in the early hours of this morning, but the canny bastard chewed his leg off and escaped into the night. A good man really is hard to find.

Thanks for all suggested additions to the list of shame, feel free to send me some more. Together we can create the perfect node! But until then, you can all just contribute to mine.

• sleeping wolf says: A certain amount of ignoring the aspects of one's partner one doesn't like is necessary to matrimony. That having been said, right on for the writeup. (I have been to a wedding where the bride and her bridesmaids sung Dennis Leary's Asshole to the groom, and vice-versa with Bitch , but that was different). Also, the Mint Royale choice is a good one, I approve.


• Junkill says: ...But then again, Reagan's campaign people wanted to use "Pink Houses" AND "Born in the USA" for the campaigns, til the respective songwriters kind of pointed out to them that wasn't maybe so apt!


• icicle says: here is a fun one: shortly before my cousin got married (about 10 years ago now), her mother heard a song on the radio and said OMG AWESOME THIS SONG MUST BE SUNG AT THE WEDDING YAY. then, um. they listened to the verses, not the chorus. the result was one of my aunts singing a rather clumsily rewritten version of "i will always love you"


• Wiccanpiper says: This is just *excellent*! I once heard of a couple that wanted Billy Idol's "White Wedding" played.


• maxClimb says: What about White Wedding by Billy Idol - I don't know how many times I heard that one, often as the FIRST DANCE! What a buncha maroons!


• spiregrain says: Great stuff! FYI dizzy and Katyana, I understand, stepped out on the dancefloor to Kermit the Frog singing Rainbow Connection


• Footprints says: I totally agree with you - and it drives me crazy every time I hear a really inappropriate song at a wedding. I usually laugh like a maniac at the bride and groom's stupidity and get shushed a lot. I bet you've had many many additions to this list, so just to make you happy, I'll tell you that I played "Rubber Ducky" down the aisle (the disco version, naturally), and Faith No More's "Surprise, You're Dead!" after the breaking of the glass


• Sondheim says: A friend of mine proudly announces whenever asked about her wedding that the song played whilst mosying down the isle was "suicide is painless" more popularly know as the them from M*A*S*H -Josh


• geneva says: I for real have heard Cameltoe by Fannypack and Boogie in Your Butt by the everlovin Eddie Murphy at weddings. Not tasteful weddings.


• Transitional Man says: one of my brother's friends fllmed his wedding and set the procession to "Every breath you take" Mike was furious. Later, when we knew here better, we realized his friend had been right all along.


• A real-life friend reminded me of the inappropriateness of Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart. A song for suicidal love if there ever was one.


• Grayscale says: One of my cousins chose " Stuck In The Middle With You " for his serenade at the reception, and rode it in with the Mr. Blonde swagger from Reservoir Dogs . He later admitted to me that the reference was intentional.


• philrange says: I heard somewhere that the Beach Boys ' classic " God Only Knows " (how much I love you) is one of the most popular first songs at weddings. A lovely song, if you ignore the very first line, " I may not always love you ." Then again, if you make sure to play that line, you could always use it as a get out clause .


• ariels says: Best I've heard: Let the Sun Shine (from Hair) and Ravel's waltz (apparently composed after all the fun he had driving an ambulance in WWI).


• kthejoker says: I heard If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right by Luther Ingram once, about two married people having an affair and featuring the classic line "I don't wanna be right if it means coming home at night."


• dutchess says: My first boyfriend suggested Fleetwood Mac's Break the Chain as "our" song...he was a year older and more musically with it, so I said okay, what's it about? (Breaking up...should have been a hint right there.) Come to think of it, though, "our song" with my current sweetie is Alan Jackson It must be love , with lyrics "oh what a pain I've got, it must be love"...


• avalyn says: Here's one that could go either way -- "The Ship Song" by Nick Cave. It all depends on the participants' frame of mind, as to whether or not it's appropriate, I guess.


• bookreader says: The tune I hate that is played at weddings is Wagner's Wedding March. Every wedding! How original. Why don't they get their own wedding march?


• Palpz says: dearest miss paraclete, I must disagree with you regarding Dido's Here With Me. While it doesn't quite fit the bride and the groom, how often does a wedding happen without at least a couple of the participants / guests hooking up? Certainly not one I've been to
  
  miss p replies: In my own limited experience, this is not the case. But I am a lush, and the only thing I'm looking out for at the end of the night is the last bottle of free champagne. Maybe, one day, I shall find it in the hands of a very, very gorgeous man who makes my insides turn all funny, and who will then hold my hair back for me when I suffer the consequences of my insides turning all funny on a belly full of booze. And that might just turn out to be love. Or the one night of hot, passionate sex, where I wake up in the morning in time for my misanthropy to reassert itself before he has the chance to ensnare me. I shall keep you all updated. To be honest, this is all supposition; I'll probably just snatch the champagne and run.



• graceness says: man our wedding song was so completely NOT meant for weddings it isn't funny... but put in the right light it made sense at the time. it was I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go" and the reason we chose it is because we actually fell in love at an I Mother Earth concert and we both knew it and the moment we both knew it was during that song. We couldn't care a damn about the fact that lyrically speaking we couldn't have made a worse choice - the context was there and plus we enjoyed the fact that we essentially thumbed our noses at the more romantic and typical choices, and it made for extra fun when people were listening, listening, and then wondering what the hell we were doing choosing that song. All in all we were conscious of the ridiculousness of our choice, which I think makes it more forgiveable.

Thanks again guys, y'all rocketh!