How to give a hug

So.

I just had a heartfelt conversation with a dear friend who recently moved away from my fair city to a faraway land where she does grad student things and such. She's unhappy. Is she unhappy with grad school? No. Her new friends? No. The work load? No. What is she unhappy with? None of her new friends are interested in hugs or physical affection of any sort.

This is a problem.

Being touched is a good thing. Affection is a good thing.
Friends are excellent targets for this sort of activity.

So, while having this conversation where we're both lamenting our lack touchy friends/cuddle partners it dawns on me I do still a good handful of friends interested in this arcane art that seems to have been eroded over time.

Most of the people I know these days are crappy huggers.

This is the caliber of hugs I seem to be getting lately:

• Shoulders forward.
• Ass back.
• Arms briefly wrapped for the sole purpose of...
• A quick, sharp pat on the back.

This isn't pleasure, this is formality.

So here you have it...

This is how to give a good hug:

Giving a hug is really quite simple once you realize the only reason to give a hug is to feel the comforting and pleasing presence of another body up against your own. There really is no other reason to give someone a hug. You're either accepting the pleasure, offering it to them, or mutually exchanging it.

People feel good. People are warm. Sometimes people are squishy. People smell nice. People are more real when you're touching them.

These things are delightful.

A hug is an embrace. You should be pressed up against your hug target. It should be sustained - a quick hug is no fun. It should be all for the intertwining of arms that give some degree of pressure upon the two or three or twelve bodies participating in a hug.

Aside: Back-patting on it's own isn't bad per se - it just seems to go along with all the rest of my hug evils. I encourage and will participate in back-patting research if it adds to my personal hug count, though I'm still skeptical.

And that's more or less that.

Spider Robinson once wrote about how he learned to give a good hug. (Paraphrased, but that avoids copyright problems anyhow.)

He was at a Science Fiction Convention when Theodore Sturgeon, who is apparently a master hugger, offered a hug. So Spider hugged him, and Theodore said, "Ah, a type A hug." Spider was puzzled by this term. As luck would have it, a fan of Theodore's work happened along, and Theodore offered a hug. After the hug, Spider observed him saying, "Ah, a type 1 hug." Curious about the meaning of the two terms, Spider asked Theodore what the difference was.

Theodore said that it was simple. A type A hug is hugging bodies apart, shoulders touching, arms wrapped together. It's shaped just like the letter "A". To make it more obvious:

  oo
 /  \
 +--+
 |  |
 |  |

However, a type 1 hug is hugging bodies together, touching, wrapped up against the other person. It's shapped just like the number "1" in Theodore's mind (and type 1 hug is easier to remember than type lowercase l hug). Or, to use ASCII graphics again:

 oo
 ||
 ++
 ||
 ||

Since then, Spider has tried to always give type 1 hugs, a practice I heartily endorse.

How To Give a Hug

Step 1: The Approach
Before you give/receive a hug you must take into consideration the position in which your partner is engaging you. This is very important. Observe how the person is embracing you so that you may respond in the best way. There are 4 possible embraces:

1. Underhand: Your partner approaches you with his/her arms ready to wrap around your torso, under yours. This is somewhat popular with women, as I have noticed, but there is not enough data to support this statistic. This type of embrace is commonly undertaken by those who are smaller than you, though this is not neccesary. Respond to this embrace with an Overhand:
2. Overhand: The person approaches you aiming over your shoulders. This is evident by a certain characteristic move which looks sort of like a "dive", though it does not always present itself like this. It is common for someone who is taller than you to approach you with this embrace. This type of embrace is hard to master, and I'd reccomend you only use it to respond to an Underhand.
3. Cross (Right): Your partner approaches you with his/her left arm higher than the right. This will result in your heads tilting to your right, and having each other at your respective lefts. Only with Cross-type hugs can the position of your head be determined by the approach, the prior two don't give any insight into this, they may end up on the left or right (it is not always, however, that the position of the head can be determined in these types of hugs, but most of the time). The left arm will come over the shoulder, while the right arm goes under: this applies to both of you. This embrace is the most common one, and usually performed by two people who are about the same height. It is also reccomended, since you may both cover the most area with your arms and get a tighter, better fitting grip on each other. Use this same embrace as a response.
4. Cross (Left): Your partner approaches you with his/her right arm higher than the left. Your heads will tilt to your left, and you will end up at each other's respective rights. The right arm will come over the shoulder, while the left arm goes under. Respond with this same embrace.

• Your head: Whether you have ended at each other's respective left or right, there are basically only two options for your head at this point: 1) Look forward, maintain your heads touching, and lay your chin on the person's neck lightly if you would like. 2) Burrow your head into your partner's neck, which conveniently seems to allow it to fit. This is most common between lovers, at which point they may engage in kissing each other's necks and other Good Stuff. It is also common if you're being embraced while crying. Note that head positioning may be limited by the person who is hugging Overhand.
• Your arms & hands: This is where it gets tricky for most people. Depending on what type of embrace you have given and received, the maneuverability of your hands will be dictated. Once again, it is best to share a Cross-type hug, so that both your head and arms get the most out of it. Depending on which type of embrace you are sharing, your arms/hands will be be positioned in several ways:
  • With an Underhand embrace you may wrap your arms around the person's torso or lift them upwards so that they reach over your partner's shoulder. The latter is not reccomended unless the hug is short and generally friendly; also, your hands would only be able to tap. If you wrap around the torso, you may lay one arm over the other, though it is better if you put one on top of the other (i.e.: from the back, "-" stacked arms, or "=" arms both on the back). You may rub with limited range and also pat.
  • With an Overhand embrace your arms will typically wrap around the person's head, though you may manage to drive them into the upper torso with a certain angle. This gives you limited maneuverability: you may rub with a very limited range, and pat.
  • In both Cross embraces, the arms and hands have the most freedom. Do not be afraid to touch the person's back: you're hugging, your partner will not be upset if you touch his/her back, in fact, (s)he will want you to. Do not lay your arms on top of each other, instead, cover some ground.

You may now disengage and are complete with your hug. Ahh, breathe in all the air you were deprived of while your lungs were being squished. Good stuff.

Misc
There are many other things you can do while giving a hug. One of the simple ones includes lifting up the person if (s)he is shorter and lighter than you. Note that this only works if you have an Underhand hold on the person, or if you're engaged in a Cross-type hug. Do not try this if you engaged the person with an Overhand. If you have the person off of the ground and feel adventurous, you may try to spin him/her once or twice (make sure to have some space before you do this). Another fun thing to do might be to tickle each other as you are disengaging from the hug (since your hands have access to your partner's armpits and sides).

There are countless other things you can do; experiment and have fun.