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Important Note: This is fiction. Fic-shun. As in not real, made up, fake, a big joke. Most day logs on e2 are well written, and very interesting - I'm just taking the piss out of the small number of overly detailed, depressing, rambling ones. Go on, laugh, it won't hurt... Message ends.
Wake up. Instantly sink into the pit of depression that has come to fit me like a baggy black shirt. Consider suicide. Decide to give it one more day.
Get dressed, go to toilet, wash hands, brush teeth, go downstairs. Decide to have Cornflakes for breakfast, as I'm getting sick of Rice Krispies. They're just so... round. As I pour the Cornflakes, one falls on to the floor. I pick it up, and contemplate putting it into the bowl anyway, and eating it. I don't, though, I just throw it in the trash. I feel bad about this for a while - what would have happened if I had eaten it? Would it have changed my life? Suppose that simple act of discarding the cornflake prevents me from ever achieving true happiness? Realise that I am just going to have to get on with the day without resolving this dilemma.
School. Ryan doesn't notice me again. Maybe he'll notice when I kill myself, and leave a note blaming his indifference. God, he's so good looking.
I have an exam later on today. If I can get my mind off that cornflake long enough - but no, I'll just fail it anyway. Pass Ryan in the hallway, he's talking with his buddies, and doesn't see me go past. Bastard. He thinks he's great, but he's not. Fucking men. Who needs them?
I fail the exam. I knew I would. My life is a big dark room.
Go home. Dig the cornflake out of the garbage. Look at it for a while, then put it in one of my stash boxes, the one with the yin-yang symbol on. A yin-yang represents two different things, but each one has a bit of the other in it - it's like good and evil, so good people have an evil side, and evil people have a good side. There's more to it than that, but you probably wouldn't understand.
At dinner, my mother asks me what's wrong. "What's wrong?" I say, barking out a humourless laugh. "That's great mom, really, it is." She gets upset then, and starts asking what she's done to make me angry at her. I storm off to my room. Stupid bitch, what does she know? She doesn't understand me. Nobody does. How could they? No-one's been through what I'm going through.
Go to bed. Fall asleep listening to Savage Garden. They know what it's like to be misunderstood. The lead singer's really hot, too. Have a dream about the cornflake. It tells me it was happier in the garbage, that trashcans are cornflake Heaven, and that I've ruined its chances at eternal life. How could I? I wake up, panic, and run downstairs to put the cornflake back in the trash.
I hope it's happy there. I hope it finds the happiness that I never will. God, I need a boyfriend.
Click here for part 2...
Click here for part 3...
Click here for part 4...
Click here for part 5...
Click here for part 6...
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