Whew, I get shaky hands just writing about this...
I've got an update as well. It isn't much yet but it might turn into something really worth writing about. I think I will be moving to Las Vegas sometime in the next few months. I am finally going to get started on my dream of playing poker professionally.
I've been in Colorado, working for my little brother, for seven or eight years now. It has been one of the most comfortable ruts I've ever been in. I don't get paid regularly, my car hasn't run in months now and my back rent is outrageous, but I live where I work, have cars to borrow and owe the back rent to the same person who owes me back pay.
So anyways, we had a heart to heart recently, briefly, following a little spat between me and my sister-in-law. The sum of it is, I've been here long enough. I helped him get his business off the ground. My original intention was not to leave until I was sure that it would steadily and safely pay all of his bills. That point may or may not be right around the corner (I believe it is) but either way, it has been long enough, I've put my life on hold for long enough, I've got to move on.
So, he thought about that for a little while and came back and told me he'd arrange to have all of the back pay he owes me whenever I ask for it. Now, I'm the one who minds the money and pays the bills around here. I don't see that amount being available anywhere, but he assures me it is and, fuck it, I'm taking him at his word.
Now the scary part - it is time for me to shit or get off the pot. If I'm serious about doing this, moving to Las Vegas, there is nothing standing in my way. I've got no excuses left.
My outline for the next few weeks seems to be: document my job so that anyone else can take it over, file my tax returns for the last several years and get whatever refunds are still available, find a place to live in Las Vegas, find a job in Las Vegas, pack, sell everything I'm not bringing, find a temporary home for my dog and then move.
Ugh, I know I know, find a job? I thought you were going to play poker? Well, I am, but I'm trying to be responsible about it. At best, I'll arrive in Vegas with a car, some clothes and hygiene products and a few grand. Technically speaking, sure, I could go to the nearest casino and start giving it a go. I could live in a cheap motel or Executive Suites type place and just try to get out of the gate so fast that money isn't a concern after a month or two. Unlikely...
More realistically, my move to Vegas simply gets me closer to my goal. It puts the tables 30 minutes away instead of six hours away. I'm sure I'll be playing within a few days of arriving but it will be at smaller tables, just learning and getting accustomed to the scene. No, I'll have to get a job and get some steady money coming in. I'll have to replace all that time I spent playing video games or watching television with sitting at the tables, a part-time job. Really though, whenever anyone starts their own business, if they are dedicated to it succeeding they don't worry about 8 hours a day or more or less, they just do what needs to be done. I'll have to do the same, work a regular job and work on my second job as many hours as I can fit in around it.
If things go well, if I get lucky early, I'll build up enough of a roll that I can play poker full time. If things go really well I'll be telling everyone here when they can see me on TV.
If things go badly... This is what tempers my excitement and makes it feel like fear. On the one hand, I'm past 30 years of age and there is no reason I shouldn't be entirely responsible for myself. In reality, I've only lived entirely truly on my own for a few years. For most all of my life I've had a safety net within reach, a shelter or a meal if things went bad. In Vegas I won't have that anymore, there is no family or friends within a short drive, no couch I can crash on or guaranteed job I can nab. It'll just be me vs. the world.
I get a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I imagine myself leaving here, on the road, arriving in Vegas, starting a new real job, living with complete strangers (no way I'll be able to afford my own place). I worry that I'm not going with enough money, there will be none left over after fixing my car and putting down deposits on a new place and buying a new wardrobe for a new job. I worry that I'll flake out and not have enough discipline to put my money in the right places, that I'll be so excited to be there I'll put too much in play too soon and have one of my legs knocked out from under me. I worry that I won't plan well enough or that I'll move too soon, that I'm giving up a very comfortable life in return for a very risky one. I worry that some part of my plan will fail after I get there, I won't get the job I had lined up or I won't get the room I thought I had reserved and I'll have to spend some of my meager savings on a temporary shelter. I worry a lot.
I don't know how this is going to play out, I really don't. I know that before this came up with my brother, my boss, I was feeling very trapped here. I was not content at all, I hated living where I do and I hated working where I do. Now that it seems all of my wishes have been answered I can't remember why I hated this security so much. So what if it gets a little cold or I get woken up early some mornings? So what if I don't have much of a life at all? At least I have security... I'm trying to wrap my head around, trying to get comfortable with, the idea that I really can give all this up and actually do something for myself. I can start my own life, my own job, work on my own dreams and advance my own career. I can do this!
We'll see...
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