Fuck? When I talk to co-workers it's like
galaxies colliding: one
meteorite of
banality uniformly scatters the well-ordered thoughts. It's easy, keeping all those
particles in
orbit, when no one else is around -
I just throw one up in the air and it takes a unique elliptical path.
I'm a free thinker: just you
try and keep my shoes on. I don't need a
computer to
think different. Try me, baby. Here are some things I did before I turned 15:
- designed my own airplane, complete with fat guys
- beat a robot at chess
- convinced my older sister to eat a bug
- took a nap on someone's back without them noticing
- taught a monkey to fetch my porn from the mailbox
- successfully designed a sentence mnemonic to help me remember all 15,239 species of insect
- published two papers in scholarly journals - one on the sociological mechanics behind faggot in the middle, a children's playground game, published in The Bluish Journal of the American Cancer Society's Ombudsman; the other explored the possibility of an irregular, Whopper Junior-shaped planetary orbit and was published in Bitches Who Love Cunt Quarterly, supplementary "digest" edition
- computed the first 5 or 6 digits of pi
- wrote several jokes that were considered for publication in Reader's Digest and Tiger Beat, albeit briefly
- received several letters of congratulations from important figures around the world
- seduced Justine Bateman
- became the world record-holder in parallel trouser-hemming after hemming six pairs of trousers at once
- as a freshman, led my high school band in successfully defeating the football team in a controversial soggy biscuit tournament, the results of which are disputed to this day
- pieced together my family's genealogy, beginning with Dan the Imbecile Farmer and Katina Maistrapokolupusopoulous in 15th century Greece
- beaned Jackie Robinson with a wild pitch during the 1947 world series (from the stands)
- placed 2nd in my junior high school science fair for my historically accurate diorama of the Challenger explosion, even though it wasn't a science project per se (I was edged out of 1st by a kid who somehow generated electricity with a backscratcher shaped like a nude woman)
- impersonated the CEO of the company and got my dad's boss fired
- got dressed up for a night on the town
- quit smoking
- plied former U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Mary Ellen Ballhopper with champagne cocktails until she agreed to fellate me for $200, in $5 bills without her signature on them (she insisted)
- beat a black guy at basketball