I am leaving on my trip early this morning. Early early to catch a 5:20 ferry and then a plane. Hey, I will be in the DC/Maryland/Virginia area if any noders are around.... message me.
A relationship ended yesterday. I thought I would be terribly sad, but I have grieved about lies the entire time. So having the lies out in the open is a relief. I will still grieve and be lonely, but I am used to being lonely. It feels comfortable and accepting and there are no lies. I am sure longing will return. Rumi says that longing is praise for the Beloved, so I am ok with longing. Well, as ok as one can be, I suppose. I asked the Introverted Thinker what she wants for her birthday. "I don't want to think about it." she replied. "I don't like to want things." Yeah. I know what she means. I want to love and be loved. I am, by a small number of people. I would rather have fewer deep relationships than many shallow ones. I suck at small talk.
And then I am thinking about the Bad Pig thing. In clinic I can love nearly anyone who shows up. I can draw boundaries. I can offer help. I grieve when addicts relapse and die: three in the last three years, and two of them were under 50. But it is free will, right? I can only offer help. They get to choose. And there are more successes than failures. Of all sorts in medicine. It's funny when I see someone and say, "So, does your stomach still hurt?" The person looks blank. "You came in for stomach pain four months ago." "Oh," says the person, "Did I? I don't remember." Heh. Don't know if my therapy helped or they just got better.
I don't want a personal relationship with Bad Pigs. And that is a good thing.
And now I have two C's a day! Largesse! Rewards! Spread the love! And please turn in your guesses on the Truly Madly Deeply Fallen Quest!