KLOR’BEEX:
Coming to you live from the hot happening hub of the galactic center,
this is Klor’beex Of The Stars, with a very
special guest, everyone’s favorite – or least favorite –
battle fleet admiral, the
most recent immigrant from Earth by multiple millennia,
Mister Laser Wolf the Butcher! Why
don’t you say hello to the galaxy, Admiral Butcher!
LAZAR WOLF: It's Admiral Wolf, just to be clear. And I should think I’ve said hello to numerous parts of the
galaxy many times. Although, I will admit, this is the first time
I’ve done it from a recording studio, instead of from the helm of a
Battlestar. And, may I just say, of all the things that have
surprised me in the years I’ve come from my old shtetl to the
galaxy, I am most surprised that the common tongue of the galaxy is
English. I only had passing knowledge of it when I lived in Anatevka!
KB: You weren’t more surprised by getting taken away from Earth?
LW: I mean, I had just seen my entire shtetl get evicted in a pogrom
–
KB: Pugrahm? Shtetl? Admiral, I’m afraid our viewers will have no
idea what either of those words refer to.
LW: Oh, that’s all...it’s all a millennia-old religious conflict.
If you’ll pardon my Sloborbian, it’s based on complete bullshit,
my people never did what we’re accused of nor a single thing to
invite oppression since then, it’s all a load of nonsense. But it’s
nonsense that enough people believed in, and very sincere and angry
they are in their belief, so – my people have lately been
constantly attacked by mobs and driven from their villages. That’s
pogrom. That’s what happened to my own little village. So, as I was
saying, I had just seen Anatevka evicted, and I as heading to
America, which was as far as I could even think of – at that point,
how much more difference did it make to go even farther beyond that?
Not much.
KB: And can you tell your fans the details of how you came to be a
part of galactic space?
LW: Well, I should note that galactic culture seems to rely a great
deal on what people would find amusing. It was no different in this
case. I had gotten through America’s immigration customs, made it
into the great Earthling city of New York, decided it was not to my
liking, gotten the offer to start a dairy farm up in Connecticut – but I
didn’t get that far. I was up north of the city a ways, and I was
out on an evening, out back of a farm, and I saw a bright light in
the sky, practically blinding me, and a great roaring noise I had
never heard before – I thought it was a monster come to devour me,
or perhaps an angel of God. So I fell to my knees in prayer –
KB:
That must have looked
odd to the people on board.
LW: It did get them to pause for a moment, because I looked like I
was surrendering. So all of a sudden there was this vast shining
thing above my head resting on oddly spindly metal legs, and out of
the bright light descended a metal ramp, and down from it stepped –
KB: It was a Sloborbian, right? They love messing with Earthlings.
LW:
Well it was certainly a little green fellow, I could see that much!
And he said, in perfect English, "What is your name?" And
I, well, I gave him my name and what I did! Lazar Wulf, the butcher
of Anatevka. And he said, "Wait, your name is laser
wolf the butcher?" Which
was, well, yes, I’d just said that, I didn’t have a clue what it
meant to him. And he ran back up into his ship and I think I heard
him say "Guys, guys, this dude is literally named Laser Wolf the
Butcher! We haven’t found a name this perfect since Scorpion King!"
And I heard a lot of hearty laugher, and then two of the little green
fellows were descending the ramp to, frankly, gawk
at me…
KB: Bit rude, but that’s Sloborbians for you.
LW: Yes, I was feeling rather like a scientific specimen more than a
man at that point. And then one of the little fellows said – and
pardon my Sloborbian, but I remember precisely what he said – he
said, "You know what would be so fucking funny?"
KB: That was his sole motivation for bringing you into space?
LW: I told you, half of this galaxy runs on amusement.
KB: It hasn’t been legal to bring Earthlings into the wider galaxy
for the last three millennia, you realize.
LW: Oh, trust me, once I was freed from those little twerps by the
Earthling Alliance ships and introduced to the High Admirals, I was
well-informed of that fact! They were all set to send me back, and I
might have agreed with them if Anatevka had still existed – Shtetl
life is stifling but it was what I knew, and was set to marry a sweet
young thing anyway – but then it was agreed that I already knew too
much by being invited to meet the High Admirals!
KB: So what exactly did they do with you?
LW: It was quite a lot of argument among them, let me tell you. Like
watching a bunch of rabbis talk about the scriptures. I
think some of them were hoping I could just be set to work in an
asteroid mine and be forgotten about. But then High Admiral Nasir
suggested that I really ought to be introduced to the culture of the
Earthling Alliance, and the best way to go about that in a controlled
fashion was to put me in the officer corps. As a cadet, mind you, not
like I was going to be given a command without earning anything! I
did have to earn everything, and let me tell you, if I thought I was
in perfect shape when I left earth, the Academy sure put paid to that
notion!
KB: You seem to have risen in the ranks quite quickly.
LW: Oh, I’ve done better than I expected of myself, believe me. But
when it’s come to organizing people to get things done, it’s not
all that different for me than running my old butcher shop. Slightly
less knocking heads together. I have some experience in
running an establishment. And this time I don’t have to worry about
expenses and the like.
KB: And your experience of the galaxy’s wars?
LW: Quite colorful, my goodness. Also loud. I’ve never quite been
able to understand why every ship in the galaxy is required to be
equipped with programs that add the noise of battle into space
battles that would otherwise be silent. Perhaps it’s to make the
whole thing less eerie. Or, and this may be more likely, it’s
because someone thought it would be amusing.
KB: I’d assume the latter. But as for, you know, the shape of
galactic politics, and all, what do you make of how you’ve seen the
wars change things?
LW: Bear in mind that if I am to speak in detail on my business as a
commander, I may be straying into classified territory. It is a
rough job, make no mistake, a necessary evil, that no one can escape,
lest they be overrun – you know, I often wonder what would have
become of my people back home if they’d gained an army of their
own. Things might have been different for them. But really, I would
much prefer to speak as a representative of Earth, and of my own
people, than of the bloody work of war.
KB: We don’t have to get into confidential territory. I’m just
curious in your particular battle style – you have a style that
some would call excessively cautious and methodical.
LW: Hm, now you talk like you’re an instructor at the academy.
Look, I want to make one thing very clear to the galaxy. I fully
understand what my name sounds like in English, especially the
"butcher" part, but anyone who’s an actual butcher
knows what that job is actually about. It’s not about being a
monster messily hacking apart innocent victims, it’s about careful,
precise cuts, it’s about swift and humane slaughter – it’s got
to be kosher! Give the victim as little suffering as possible! That’s
the law of God I follow, when it comes to the cuts. And I apply that
to my current work. I aim to be swift, precise, and humane. Not a smidgen of excess. I know
there are many manners of commanders in this galaxy who don’t care
who gets the worst of the blast as long as they get their objective,
and never mind how many innocents caught in the crossfire
suffer...but that is not my way. I aim well and get my job done
quickly, and if the people under my command are not welcomed with
garlands of flowers and loud hurrahs, at the very least people don’t
despise the sight of us. I daresay my method does much better to
represent both modern Earth and the Earthling Alliance than the more
reckless fools I’ve had the displeasure to work with. Whom I have
since had the pleasure to demote.
KB: Harsh but fair.
LW: And I like to think I am also representing my own beloved people,
by this method. So there, I suppose I’ve wrapped that all up neatly
in a bow for you haven’t I? Any more questions?
KB: Ah, this one might be a little more touchy. And also might stray
into classified territory, so I understand if you don’t want to
answer it. But your fleet’s singular foray into the Earth solar system
did involve the destruction of...let me see if I have these written
down right here. The Krem-lin, the Vat-i-kan, Saynt Peterzberg,
multiple palaces surrounding that city, and the rike-stog of Ber-lin?
LW: A terrible accident involving the accidental firing of multiple
accidentally armed proton torpedos. Absolute tragedy. I’m sure all
the victims were good people. Blame comes ultimately to me, of
course, as I am the commander, but rest assured the guilty know who
they are and have received their just reward.
KB: And the accidental dropping of a cargo bay’s worth of Space
Gold into Earth’s atmosphere?
LW: Mistakes were made. Sadly, because of the accident involving the
torpedoes, nobody is now permitted to go down and retrieve the gold.
So I suppose whoever finds it...well, I remember a friend of mine
having all kinds of plans for what he would do with a sudden
windfall, I can’t imagine anyone would do much differently.
KB: Some people sit on their gold like Space Dragons and do nothing
with it. I have one last question – if this isn’t classified
either, but the design of your flagship, is there a reason you chose
a six-pointed star?
LW: It’s the most efficient design.
KB: Well, you would know better than I. Alright, I think we’re
about to run out of time here, so let me just say, it has been a
pleasure and an honor interviewing the galaxy’s most unexpected
admiral.
LW: Thank you kindly, Klor’beex, and let me just say, you
have a lovely beak.
KB: Oh! Thank you very much. I am spoken for, though.
LW: Well, I can win all my battles but I can’t win every heart.
KB: This is Klor’beex, and this has been Galactic Gossip Weekly!
Goodnight and love to you all!