DOWN WITH AOL!
This is the official
wh0rg list of things to be done with an
AOL CD. By
moJoe and
Thyme
- Handy dandy coaster tray!
- Attach keys to it.
- Put a sturdy stick on it and use it as a fly swatter.
- Normal hockey pucks too small? Glue several AOL CDs together and you’re off!
- Got a fussy baby? Build a AOL mobile and hang it over her crib! (Make sure too cover up the AOL logo. You wouldn’t want to traumatize the poor child; would you?)
- Butt buffing.
- Use a razor blade and our handy stencil to create a ninja star! Please use responsibly.
- Smash up several CDs and use the shiny side to create an avant-garde masterpiece.
- Mail several thousand of the CDs back to AOL Headquarters. (Make sure to ruin the CDs first, you wouldn’t want AOL mailing them out again!)
- Tile your floor with them.
- Put one in the microwave for 10 seconds. Only do this if you have a spare microwave sitting around.
- Really, really cool shingles for your house.
- Hood ornaments.
- If you’re ever stuck on a desert island, grab one of the AOL CDs bound to be nearby and use it to signal passing ships.
- Flash your friends in the eyes. (wh0rg cannot be held responsible for eye damage resulting from this use of the AOL CD)
- Above use also good for distracting the opposing team at sporting events.
- AOL plate mail. AOL CDs make nearly impenetrable suit of armor. Protect yourself as you storm Microsoft HQ.
- Recycle. Not as fun as other methods, but better for the environment.
- Use one for a clock face.
- Sharpen and serrate one and use it as a replacement circular saw blade.
- Makeshift Chakram.
- Bake one into a cake and send it to your favorite inmate. We’re not sure how, but we think a resourceful con could use it to escape from prison.
- Frisbee!
- Forget crosses, garlic, and holy water, nothing scares off the undead like a buggy ass AOL 5.0 CD.
- Target for your BB gun! Tape a piece of paper over the hole in the middle, so you know if you got a bull’s eye.
- Use them to block the microwaves the aliens are beaming at you. It’s cheaper than aluminum foil.
- AOL arts and crafts for camp!
- A beautiful AOL chandelier.
- Replace your friend’s Half-Life CD with a spare AOL one. (This is a very vicious prank, and should not be taken lightly.)
- Install it on your friend’s computer. (This is right up there with peeing on the toilet seat, being a telemarketer or a Scientologist, do not be surprised if you burn for this one.)
- Install it on every computer you come across. (This will make you a tool in the schemes of the AOL corperate megalith and will sentence your soul to eternal damnation in the darkest pits of hell. *Not recommended*)
- Scrape the label off and make pretty rainbow beads!
- Replace your friends prosthetic leg with one made from melted AOL CD’s.
- Giant refractive telescopes.
- Carrie 2… Now with AOL!
- Collect them year-round and hand them out at Halloween.
- Sharpen the edges and use them as a pizza wheel.
- Projectiles, projectiles, projectiles… (we cannot stress this one enough).
- Take a large black marker, write “Eh, Eh, how do you like it fucker?” on 40,000 of them and bulk mail them to Steve Case.
- Use them instead of the reflective thingies on your bike.
- Having a big shin dig? Run a few through a shredder and use them for swanky mirrored stir sticks.
- Take a hammer to a few hundred of them and paste them to a beach ball…INSTANT DISCO.
- Scratch out the AOL logo (leaving behind the “100 FREE HOURS!” part), In its place write “’s Nasty Ho’bag Emporium and Smut Shoppe” and hand them out on a street corner.
- Give them to panhandlers.
- Go to a corporate Money Lender, hand them numerous AOL disks with Chinese writing etched on them and insist they are obscure Asian coinage that you would like to exchange.
- Wear one around your neck on a big gold chain, start a trend just like Flavor Flave did back in the 80’s!
- Hire someone you want dead to hand them out at a LINUX convention.
- ACME© COCK MIRROR™®: She can watch her self while she leaves a few hot lipstick rings around Mr. Perky. --$19.00
- Stick one in a box with a FURBY™ a TICKLE ME ELMO™ doll, some JAR JAR© Merchandise a couple BEANIE BABIES™ and a Windows 98 CD, label it Pandora’s Box…..
- Put one in your hair… you too can look like a Jetson.
- Who needs clay pigeons? “PULL!”
- If you ever decide to remake an Ed Wood movie, you can always use them in lieu of paper plates to represent the invading alien hordes.
- Circular knives (just don’t grip the sharpened side) slit the necks of Corporate Scum with dreadful accuracy.
- Feed them to your neighbor’s annoying dog.
- Get a blowtorch and make contemporary art sculptures.
- Donate them to the Salvation Army (We suggest around 20,000 or so in one of their “donation boxes”).
- Melt several million and make your very own liquid metal T-1000.
- Create the worlds most obnoxious “House of mirrors”.
- Make a new tourist attraction by creating the BIG-BALL-O-AOL (only recommended if you live in the rural Midwest).
- To inspire REAL terror, attach one to a brick, tie a threatening message to it and throw it through some random person’s window. Run like hell.
- Sell them to AOL users :P