Dream Log: January 12, 2002

I was pregnant, but I drank during the early stages of the pregnancy, so the child was born with brain damage. Two friends sneaked into my hospital room at night and told me my baby was the next Messiah, and had to be cut from my stomach. So they cut him out, and we gave him the name of Lishka.

I went home with him, and the dream fast-forwards to when Lishka is ten years old. His head reached my stomach when he was standing, but his legs were very short. He wore thick glasses and never spoke, but smiled at everyone and would help anyone if they were in trouble.

At one point, Alan and I took Lishka to a retreat in the mountains. I woke up in the middle of the night and wandered through corridors while they were still sleeping. I reached the end of one hallway, where someone had pushed open a window and was climbing through. I looked, and saw it was a little girl, a bit younger than Lishka. She had her body halfway through the window when she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "You're the woman made of light."

My friends and I were clearing out the garden of an old abandoned house - it was full of weeds and junk, and at the bottom of the garden was a deep pond, almost like a swamp. We had to clear out the pond, so we were taking turns to dive into the freezing cold water and fish stuff out of the bottom - old TV tubes, bits of wood, plastic milk cartons. The water was sludgy around the edges of the pond, clogged with floating weeds and mud, and some of us were getting stuck there, and had to be pulled out by the others.

Then Peadar went to the bottom of the pond and didn't come back up. We were staring at the water, trying to see his outline, getting more and more anxious. We extended a length of black hosepipe down to him to grab on to, but nothing happened, so Paul decided to go down and get him. He took hold of the hosepipe and jumped into the deepest part of the pond. After a while he jerked on the hose, and we started to pull him up - as he got closer to the surface we could see that he'd found Peadar, who had got stuck in some weeds at the bottom, and they were both holding their breath.

Something went wrong. The hosepipe came free, and they floated back down out of reach, so we sent it back down again. Everyone started to panic.

The next thing I remember, I was indoors, asleep, and I woke up to the feeling of sun on my face and the sound of laughing voices outside. I knew that something was very wrong, but I couldn't quite remember what. I went out and I was in the garden again, and Peadar was standing talking to everyone. That's when I remembered that I had thought he was dead, and I ran up to him and hugged him really tightly, nearly in tears. I told him how happy I was that he was still alive, and he seemed almost a little embarrassed, but he hugged me back.

I've had this dream several times:

I was only four or five years old.

My mom had left me with a babysitter. I am left with a woman who lived in the same apartment building as us. She was a regular babysitter for a family that lives a few neighborhoods over. She took me with her to the family's house.

There was a boy there about five or maybe as old as seven. There was also this boy's little brother that was a little younger than me.

The boy took me into his bedroom and closed the door. Then he said "Let's have sex" I remember telling him that sex was for grown ups. He said it was okay because kids can have sex as long as it's kid sex. He said kid sex was when you left your shirts on.

Sometimes I see this boy as having red hair, sometimes light hair and sometimes brown hair.

Sometimes the little brother was in the room and sometimes it was just the two of us. This scene plays over and over and over in my head.

The boy got on top of me and undid his pants but then it's a blank. This scares me. I don't know if he did something to me or if the babysitter came in or what. It's all just went blank...