Dream Log: June 21, 2002

Today was the first time in a while that I had one of my favorite recurring dreams...

I don't remember how I got here. I never do. And even though I inevitably pause and try to recollect even entering the building, I cannot. Even the looks of the exterior evade my memory completely. Maybe I came in through one of the grates.

I'm not sure what to call them...grates, tubes, drains. Yeah, they kind of remind me of huge shower drains, excep that one end is always uncovered, and water frothing and shooting down a black hole that fades to black before you can see it turn. But, oh God, turn they do. I found that out the first time I dove headfirst down one of them. Like usual, when I 'come to' in the dream, a beautiful girl is waiting for me in the first room. I get the feeling that the front doors are right behind me, but I never bother to turn and look, although that might answer my earlier question. Nevertheless, I stand transfixed by the girl. I think she is everything I want in a girl. She has short, black hair and deep brown eyes from which she peers at me without any real recognizable emotion..except when she smiles, and murmurs in my ear before I dive. I think she's my masseuse. I've never had a masseuse.

Like always, there are no other doors in the front room. Only a circle of splashing drains. I imagine I can hear the shouts of people in them; a few are silent. There are a few others in the room, I know. I don't know who or how many, though. I don't even know if they are diving. I stand transfixed by the girl. She's wearing a tight-fitting, black long-sleeved shirt and a short khaki skirt with black stockings underneath.

She never really takes her eyes off of me, and I'll be damned if I so much as consider breaking my gaze, that is, until I decide to dive. Despite her, I never hesitate long. I think she wants me to go. Sometimes I want her to go first, and this is one of those times. I think about asking her... But this place is silent, except for the splashing and her murmurs just before.

Misting water tingles on my legs as I stand before one of the drains, and I realize for the first time they are bare. I stare at the opening for a while, and then I feel her at my side. Just before I dive, and my world goes black and water poars down

my ears

,

my eyes

,

my throat

...just before the roar deafens me..I hear her murmer

YOU ARE WATER

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thanks to Portishead and Mono for making dreams vivid.

Solstice morning, and my Sun has set. Oh cruel Sandman! Your fading film steals Love's light away as morning spills her photons all over my dreams.

Interstices of perception and imagination--I am a Divine amnesiac. I remember...

...living at the hippie trailer park out in the woods of upper campus, one bright-eyed ghost among many. One golden meadow among the redwood groves is all we need to immanentize the eschaton and live as brothers and sisters of one family. We share our food, our clothing, our possessions. I want to love all beings equally, want to be at home in anyone's arms, want to be married to every man and woman.

Yet here lies the rub! For among the many I have seen One to which my heart flies, Robin Redbreast. Her gaze a bottomless well around which my soul's bright marble spirals inward. Towards what fate am I falling?

But what kind of fire?

Interstitial season, this Spring's end, and Robin Redbreast is moving away. Sitting among the waving yellow grasses and lupin petals, she and I look into each other. This thing we do--just looking, yet a passerby might mistake us for enraptured lovers. There've been times we've gone for hours. Now there are two suns lighting the landscape: one yellow over head, one silver round her neck. This is our goodbye.

When the parting moment arrives, we are all crowded around her. Our final embrace and she kisses me on both cheeks. I turn away as another man mauls her affectionately. Like a schoolboy I wonder, am I One among many for her? Or just one brother among many brothers? The crowd stands waving to her back as she begins slowly up the hillside towards the valley's edge. I think I've seen her eyes for the last time but then she turns slowly around for a final wave goodbye. Standing by an oak tree, whose gnarled branches stretch ever upwards towards shining Sol, her gaze meets mine and they kiss, alone among the crowd. The unbearable lightness of being hits me then, and I float gently above the ground, holding her eye as long as I can until she goes--off down the road that curves around then up out of the valley. I go and sit on the netted lattice on which she slept, trying to accept her passing, but unable. With a shout I fly out across the meadow to land in her path. I lie on the ground with my eyes closed as she passes by one last time. There--in the starry outer space of my mind it burns--that smile.