July 28, 2001

My daylogs: previous, next

I am writing this node from the past, that is, I am writing this node for the future.

I can't decide what hour in the future it is right now - so I'll assume it's in the morning, maybe it's really early in the morning like 4 A.M. I should be in a hotel room in St. Louis (Missouri). I am here with a pair of my closest friends. We probably just got back from the bachelor party... or was it the rehersal dinner.

I am preparing for the most important day of my life.

When I was in the eighth grade I fell in love with a girl. In all honesty, she was not my first true love. The circumstance of our relationship seems in hindsight rather serendipitous. We were both in the chorus at Landon middle school in Jacksonville, Florida. Chorus had after school practice once a week on Wednesday, except on January 9th, 1991; On that day it was rescheduled for the next day. Kim could never stay after for practice except on January 10th, 1991, she had other obligations on Wednesday afternoons. On this one occasion where she could stay after school both I, and another chorus member, asked her out (in the schoolboy fashion of "going together", to be boyfriend and girlfriend).

Many years have past.

Now here, today, after spending years together, and years apart, after spending hours on the phone, after spending thousands of dollars flying and driving back and forth a thousand miles at a time, we will join ourselves together before family, friends, and even God (if s/he is up there).

I'll be putting on my tuxedo soon. My best man, Michael Dewberry will straighten my collar, and rush me to the church on time. My groomsmen, Jason Summerfield, Adam Deaton, Kirby Rolfe, and Mike D. will stand by me at the altar. The wedding march will play, and David Niemeyer will walk his daughter down the aisle. Kim will join her bridesmaids, Kathy Deaton (the matron of honor), Julienne (my sister), Stephanie, and Cicely Paine.

Today I will speak my vows, and in turns, Kim and I will say, "I do."

Tonight we'll celebrate! Tomorrow we'll fly home to Jacksonville. Monday we will take our first road trip together as Husband and Wife, our honeymoon trip to Key West.

When I wrote this it was a month until the wedding. I was beginning to get nervous, but now I know that everything will go on without a hitch, except one. *Grin*

How I lost my tooth
or
Don't call a woman a cow

"Good idea, just ignore him"

I look at my brother, thinking "what does he mean?" Then I look back at the wide guy we are walking by. I haven't seen him before.

"Was that him?" - Yeah, it was him. The guy who knocked out my tooth.

A couple of months ago, I was down at the pub, drunk, stoned, the works. I have no idea why (I guess I was just a real fucking idiot), but I was thinking out loud about this girl who walked by me and said "Man, what a cow."

She turns around and says, "You better take care!" I go "but, I mean, what a phat car!" Or something equally inane. She doesn't buy it.

The week after, I go to the pub again (I know, I should have kept low profile). Of course, the first thing that happens when I walk in the door, is that I get shoved at a table and punched in the mouth. I look around, not knowing what is going on. Then my tongue realizes that my tooth is missing.

On the way home, I'm trying to reconstruct my assailant's face. I can't. I assume he must be the boyfriend of the aforementioned girl. I don't report it - this would equal a death-sentence in my town.

The next day, I go and get a temporary filling. It didn't hurt much, but it sure was a hassle. So, fellow noders, don't call a woman a cow.

The last two days have been amazing; I didn't sleep at all, but learnt a lot about life. It's true when they say that you can't learn it from books, but from people.

First of all, I broke a record: I didn't sleep for 46 hours. Strangely enough, I was still in very good shape, I could probably prolong the state, I didn't do it because there really wasn't any point...

I've learnt so much.... I learned that to try to "curtir" a girl (I don't know the expression in english but it means to play sexually, without actually having sex with a girl, a sort of innocent one-night-stand) is a bit stupid, because, as she said, you don't care about her, just about her body. You don't care about her emotions, what she thinks about anything. On the other hand, it is a very satisfying thing to do (I guess), and it solves a lot of emotional, internal problems (and I really need human touch).

Another thing I learned is that perhaps it's also stupid to try and "win" the girl over, perhaps it's better if you just let things evolve, without any artificial acts: if you are really made for each other, things will eventually happen. On the other hand, what if that person who is made for you never shows up? You want to end up with a lot of good friends ? :)

I also learned that human relations are a bitch; you really hurt yourself and others in them. For example, how many times have you listened to someone you love, not really listening to them, and thinking to yourself: "I love you so much, but we can never be more than friends..". It hurts like hell; it's hurting me right now as I remember that...

I also learned that isolation is the last thing you want. You just end up getting your head full of shit, just suffering.

I'm also a bit mad with myself, I'm so shy!! Not with the people I trust, but with people I don't know. It really sucks, because lots and lots of time I meet someone who is so great, but because of this fucking subconscious thing, I can't talk as I wanted to, because I don't yet feel comfortable with him/her... I think it's because I got a bit hurt during my childhood and teens, and now I don't trust anyone immediately, like I have to be sure they won't betray me.

I also learned (unfortunately I forget this one too much) to *just* *be* *myself*. How many times do I have to say this? I have to stop being embarrassed of myself; I have to start loving myself. Not in the selfish kind of way, but in the purest way: to like myself. I don't like the word "accept" because it's like you've got a bad meal, and just conform to it. No, it's more than that; you have to like yourself, to joke with yourself, to love the way you are. And that means to be my-fucking-self here at E2 aswell!

What else did I learn... I don't know... that I have to do some changes in my life, like studying here in my hometown instead of Evora. Because it is here where I'm comfortable, where I have my friends, were I'm not ashamed of being myself. VIVA A VIDA!

Fasts. I hate fasts. Mostly because I have a fast metabolism.

"What does that matter?" you ask.
Well, it just means that I am very quick convert fuel (food) into energy (moving around, and bouncing off the walls). This also means that I'm one of those people who keep eating and never get fat. On the other hand, I end up being very susceptible to cabin fever, especially after a large meal, or eating a lot of sugar. Hell, I can go totally hyperactive after drinking just one bottle of cola! (I wonder if anyone else has this problem?)

This is not a good thing. I ended up with a habit of eating full meals and munching in between. So I have what one of my co-workers calls an urge to chew. I don't really care what I chew, as long as I'm getting some nutritional value from it. (This disqualifies any 0% yogurts, chewing gum, and anything else that give a net negative amount of energy. I almost believe it's morally wrong to eat those things ;-)

The whole point is this: I'm getting urges to chew something. Anything. And I can't, because I'm fasting. Aaaarg!

And do you want to know the best part? I've got another 20 hours to go. Damn. Well, it's only twice as long as the last fast, on July 8, 2001.

---

Note: this node was just meant for me to vent. Don't take it too seriously.

"You know, son, we should spend more time together."

"Yes, dad," I said, thinking about the years he had pretended that I wasn’t alive, that I never existed. "We really should." The years he spent in jail for drug charges, weapon charges, murder charges.

He was mumbling something about chasing girls, and talking to Adam in the back seat, and I looked at his eye, red and puffy from the operation. He said that his retina was torn, and they had to attach a buckle to it, or something along those lines.

He had gotten jumped in Montreal while trying to arrange a ‘business deal’ of some sort, and woke up in the back of a car, being held down by a very large man. He made it out by fighting the fellow off, and jumping out of the car at high speeds. He had broken every limb doing so, some in multiple places. The casts came off yesterday.

"Let me take your phone number, Jairus," he said, and pulled out an address book. I could only think about how very little I wanted to be in the car, how I wanted to be anywhere else. How I wanted this stranger with my face to stop coming into my life at his convenience.

He jotted down my now-inactive cell phone number, and I started to get out of the car.

"Wait... How do you spell your name again?"