Okay. So, I'm assuming in this writeup, you've made a conscious and active acknowledgement that as a Fat Bastard, you have a problem. Yes? Good on you. You've taken the first step to spit in the eye of the trillion dollar per annum turnover junk food industry. Now, here's the tough bit. I'm afraid, young grasshopper, there are only two ways to reduce your Big Lad Factor:
- Eat less
- Move around more
All else is error. You can take your fad diets, your guaranteed absolutely to work systems that you found on Instacrap or Faceache or X, formerly known as Twitter, and you know what you can do with them. At the end of the day, your body is a closed system, and if you're putting into it more energy than you're taking out of it, you're going to increase in size because all that energy has to go somewhere, yes? Yes. It's called thermodynamics. And you can offload all that woo about set points and starvation mode and condishuns and other pseudoscientific excuses as well. But we'll be covering why that's best avoided as well in due course. BELIEVE THAT.
But in this writeup, we'll be concentrating on the former of these. Eating less. And I'm going to be explaining to you how I did this. After all, it wasn't by sheer luck of the draw that I ceased being a 155kg great fat wobble bottom like I was post lockdown and am just over halfway to being a chadly 100kg - which, for my 6' 3" height, is still a bit more than I really ought to be but gives me some wiggle room to bulk up a bit as well. Oh yes. With a bit of luck, and a lot of effort, we may be moving into the Hench Hazelnut timeline this time in 2024 (control your erections). Well, with a bit of luck we will. But I digress.
Now. Here's the bad news. We live in a society. That especially in America but also in Britain to a lesser extent and also the rest of the West, is wholly obesogenic. Thankfully I don't live in the high fructose corn syrup and sweeteners in everything and gigantic gulps hellscape that is seppoland but within 5 minutes walk of my front door are at least five places where I can obtain for a fairly low cost a large amount of empty calories. Worse, there are apps such as Just Eat and Deliveroo and Uber Eats that make vast sums of money delivering beige, high calorie nosh to your door. If you have any of these apps, you need to delete them. I'm serious. They put so much temptation in your way. Get in after working late? Ugh, can't be arsed, I'll have a 15 incher from Pizza Gogo. That was me that was. Don't let it be you. I have not ordered a takeaway for over a year and a half now because it's a really bad habit. I sometimes will get, just under once a week, a large haddock and a small chips from my friendly local chip'ole but I know what is in that and I don't also stuff my face the rest of the day for it. And besides, a little of what you fancy does you good, just don't let that be your normal thing.
You also are not going to be able to put down the fork effectively if you don't know what you are consuming. My PT who I see infrequently suggested an app called MyFitnessPal which is free (though other calorie logging apps are available) which is key for knowing what your calorie intake is. It has pretty much every foodstuff you can imagine on its database including specific brands and from each supermarket and the paid version even has a barcode scanner so you can scan what you eat as you cook it and are pretty sure it's accurate. It not only logs your calories but also individual nutrients such as protein, carbs, fat, fibre, and so forth. You know those people who constantly claim that they only eat less than a thousand calories a day but just can't seem to lose weight? It's because they're in denial about it. If they were logging their calories, and logging them honestly they would probably not be. You also have to remember that there's a lot of empty calories in things where you don't expect them. Drinks, for one. Sugar ahoy there. I found that switching to Coke Zero was helpful here. Also, that small little Mars Bar you cheekily have at your desk in work during the mid afternoon slump? That's another 230 calories. The donuts you munch during a boring meeting? That's 250 calories each, possibly more if they're those hideous Krispy Kreme abominations. All this cuts into your calorie budget for the day. And if you aren't logging them, how do you know you aren't overeating? I'm not saying you mustn't have these things. I for one love my Mars Bars. But you mustn't chain them or be in denial about eating them.
You should also get a kitchen scale. I did. I limit myself to 50 grams of pasta or rice when I cook. That's the dry weight, not the cooked weight. If you don't weigh it out it's so easy to overdo it with that. It's also frankly enough for anyone. I also weigh out other things as well. Once again, if you don't know how much you're actually eating, you don't know how much you have to reduce it by. They're very inexpensive online so you have no excuse really.
So, the big question. How much should you be eating really? Well, it's possible to calculate your TDEE or total daily energy expenditure as a function of your weight and activity levels. Mine when I started this odyssey was reportedly 2,817 calories per diem. That sounds a lot, but I was likely exceeding it. You know those Pizza Gogo 15 inchers? I'm guessing 1,500 calories for those on their own. I basically aim for around 2,000 calories per diem now. Also, don't beat yourself up if you go over them by a little bit. It's not a moral failing if you do, and tomorrow is a new day. Just don't make a habit of going over too often. Also try to have more protein than carbs. I'm not saying zero carbs i the only way to be, it's not, but try to limit them rather. Steak, prawns, fish, chicken, eggs (especially eggs; they're the most cost efficient source of protein about), all are tasty and have a high ratio of protein to calories. Protein fills you up more and makes you feel fuller than fat and especially fuller than sugar. It is your friend.
Learning to put down the fork is not, I'll admit, easy. I still struggle with it. I have days which are total busts and more frequently than I'd like. But I know at least that I'm doing it. It is also the most important part of any serious attempt to be less of a hamcannon that you can make. You can spend hours in the gym, run miles a day, swim like a fish, and beat the shit out of a heavy bag daily, but you will never outrun the fork. It is so easy to swallow far more calories than you need especially in current year which is an obesogenic society. Remember, one day at a time, as the boys from Alcoholics Anonymous say. And if you must nibble, try to nibble on protein rich things rather than sugary crap. Oh, and don't treat this writeup as any substitute for advice from a qualified dietitian. This is just about me and how I did it and how I think you can to in the same way. Take that for what it's worth; the opinion of a recovering blimp heavy metal enthusiast.
Next time, getting over gym anxiety.
(IRON NODER 2023 #14)