Ring! Ring! Ring!
London: Hello, London speaking.
Paris: Hello, London, this is Paris speaking.
London: Paris! Haven't heard from you for a while...how are you?
Paris: Not so well, I am afraid. Listen, there's something we have to talk about.
London: Really? You make it sound like there's a problem.
Paris: Well, there is.
London: Do tell.
Paris: You see, I hear you've been calling folks up and telling them they're gay.
London: Well, yes, that's more or less correct.
Paris: Ah. Well, you see, I also heard you'd called up Berlin and told him I was gay.
London: Ahhh. Ehrm. Yes, well, there's some truth in that....
Paris: Don't you think that's a bit too much? Berlin and I were such good friends, and now he won't even speak to me.
London: Well, everybody says you're gay. Gay Paris, and all that.
Paris: (aside) Give me strength....
Paris: (to London) Look, that's just an expression.
London: An expression?
Paris: Yes. Gay, meaning happy, for Heaven's sake.
London: Are you sure?
Paris: Of course I'm sure, you moron!
London: (huffily) Here, now! There's no call for that!
Paris: What? I can't call you a moron? Hey, if the shoe fits....
London: (in triumph) My point exactly. After all, there's no smoke without a fire. If everybody says you're gay, there must be something to it. Maybe you're gay, and you just haven't realised it.
Paris: (speechless) Why, you....how am I supposed to respond to that? If I say no, you claim I'm in denial?
London: (smugly) Indeed.
Paris: (seething) Oh, you...I'll get even with you for this. You just wait and see. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being gay.
London: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
Click.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
London: Hello, London speaking.
Amsterdam: Hello, London, this is Amsterdam. What's this I hear about BSE?.
No cities, gays, or telephones were harmed in the writing of this sketch. A few metaphors and similes were overworked, but we paid them time-and-a-half in compensation, and their union has agreed to drop the matter.