So
Mountain Dew was running their "GET IN THE HOUSE" contest until February 28, 2002. I opened a cap of the
stuff and looked on the bottom of it. Sometimes they give away free bottles in
contests like this and I always look, on the off chance that I might have won FREE
CAFFEINE. I noticed it said something
other than "
Sorry! Please
try again!" and I looked closer.
KENNEDY HOME DESIGN CENTER $500
And I said, "Wow. Cool. A home design center. Don't know what the hell I could do with that... or what it really is, but, hey! It's worth $500! I won something! Neat!" I thought maybe I'd won a
drafting table or
something, which is kinda cool. I like to draw from time to time.
Upon looking inside the
label however, I see this, "500 dollars toward Home Design Center with new home purchase."
...
what!?
Basically the
equivalent of "You've won...
NOTHING!" I'd won a
coupon. I'd won a chance for someone to
advertise all over me. I picked through the sticky feeling left by
corporate ejaculant and tried to get something out of my
experience by analyzing this. So
Mountain Dew, i.e. the
conglomerate PEPSICO, owner of
Pizza Hut,
Taco Bell, and
Kentucky Fried Chicken, among others, had made a deal with some company called Kennedy Home Design to promote their products through a
cheap contest prize.
I started to worry about the people in the
marketing department at
Mountain Dew who are obviously a little
backwards when it comes to
demographics. You see, most of the people I know who drink
Mountain Dew are
stoner, hippy kids, or
teenagers, or
college students. Mountain Dew is marketed toward
teenagers and young
twenty-somethings, with
wild sports ads and nutty nonsense like, "
DO THE DEW." In short...most people who drink Mountain Dew aren't exactly in the
market for some
real estate. How many people, I wonder, will open that cap and go, "Oh yes! Kennedy Home Design Center! $500 toward home design center with
purchase of new home. Yes! This will be just the thing for my new house. I didn't know it, but now I do! I need a
home design center and now I saved 500 dollars,
WAHOO!"
reaches over to take a bong hit. "Yeaaah! HOME DESIGN CENTER!"
Yeah.
Exactly.
Just another piece of evidence that advertising and underhanded deception of consumers are growing ever closer to
fornicating fission in a glorious,
terrible fuck, producing a
bastard child that will end
the world as we know it.