ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Since Venus and Pluto are making a strong connection this week, this week's theme for Aries is connections. As such, be wary of green alien blobs looking to connect some of their slimey tentacles to your head. Not only will connecting with their gelatinous extremities liquefy your brain and burst your eyeballs, the fact that Jupiter and Neptune are connecting with Pallas-Athena this week - which creates a lot of psychic magic - makes it a very good possibility that the aliens will also steal your memories as well and possibly shape shift to become you. This puts most of your daily friends and associates at dire risk of they themselves getting their brains liquefied and their eyeballs exploded. Given that this is the first week of spring, the beginning of a new cycle, look for your horrendous death the beginning of a new reproductive cycle for the aliens, which should increase their voracity and strength.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
As mentioned with Aries, Jupiter and Neptune connecting with Pallas-Athena is creating a lot of magic in the air. Romance is in the stars for you this week, Taurus. However you will likely catch the lustful eye of a blood-thirsty vampire. He or she will approach you as you are leaving work (the chances of this go up exponentially the darker it is when you get off) and seduce you with their hypnotic eyes, telepathic thoughts, and enchanting beauty. Yes, if you are Taurus you are fully aware of how stubborn and bull-headed you and others in your astronomical group are, but no matter how fast you run or how viciously you fight, the vampire, with its supernatural swiftness and senses, will get you, make no mistake. In fact, your blood will taste even sweeter to them the more they have to work for it. If you are fortunate, the vampire will merely suck you almost dry, make you drink from them and sire you, charging you with an eternity of blood-lust and damnation. If you are not so lucky, they will hungrily rip your head off and drink your from blood-spurting neck as if it were a large, meaty chalice. Recommended purchases for the week include wooden stakes, crosses, garlic, and a super soaker water gun. See if a local priest has some holy water you can borrow.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 21
The pesky little Mercury is still in retro (until Saturday). It has been retro long enough to where you think you've gotten used to the energy, but beware! It is paramount that you are still explicitly clear in all your communications, especially your blood-curdling screams as you are assaulted by a roaming band of putrid, moaning zombies. That's right, the magic in the air for Geminis this week has nothing to do with lust or romance. The supernatural forces out there has caused some of the dead to rise from their graves. Most of them will in fact be deceased Geminis so be weary of any gravestones that you happen to come across with birthdates on them between May 21 and June 21. If you should indeed be attacked by some of them, don't worry, if you don't fight them death will come quickly as they munch into your head as if it were a large apple on their way to dining on your succulent brains. If, however, you should decide to heed this astrological warning, purchase a weapon of some kind soon, preferably a shotgun - double barrel works best. Oh and don't forget plenty of ammo. As you may well know, zombies are hard to kill because, well, they're already dead. Don't waste time shooting off limbs, they will still trudge after you any way that they can. Your best bet is to aim for the head and obliterate it as fast as you can. The bodies may still crawl after you, but not being able to see or smell you will put them at a severe disadvantage. If you are a terrible shot do not waste your money on a weapon, it will only deduct from the inheritance your loved ones will receive after your brains have become a tasty snack for those pesky Gemini zombies.
CANCER
June 22 - July 22
Being that spring is in the air, it is the season of new life, and as such all Cancers should be aware that this could mean the spawning of an unnatural number of furry eight-legged arachnids. That's right, there is a very good possibility that your neighborhood will be plagued with millions of spiders. Not only will they be large in number, but large in size. Don't be surprised to see webs large enough to hold cats and small dogs. It is unlikely that any one of these oversized, horrific pests will be large enough to consume a human being (perhaps babies and small toddlers) but beware of small armies of them to suddenly engage you as you go out for your morning jog. Do whatever you can to get away because once they are crawling all over you it is too late, as they will have already begun biting you and filling you with their paralyzing venom. Only the lucky ones will be fortunate to be allergic to the venom and die instantly. If merely paralyzed you will be alive to witness them wrap you in a web and then later begin to dine on you. Even if you don't go out for morning jogs, watch out as you get into your car in the morning because they may be silently awaiting you there. Oh and there's no place to go for protection, they have no problems getting into houses as you may already know.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
Leos are set to be extra sensitive this week, as the magic in the air caused by Jupiter and Neptune connecting with Pallas-Athena has given you additional psychic awareness. This will allow you to see the horrific and spectacularly fatal ends you and all your friends will meet this week. Remember that drifter you hit in the highway last summer? Well, he's back. He has risen from the dead, but he is not a zombie that the Geminis should be afraid of this week. He is even faster and more keenly aware of his surroundings before you ran him down with your super-sized, gas-guzzling SUV and he is pissed off. Try as you might, having the ability to see the deaths of your group of friends will not help you, unfortunately, as you will be painfully unable to alter Destiny. Look for most of them to be carved up by a sharp gardening tool of some sort. When he comes after you, he will most likely be looking to decapitate you, but not before relieving your torso of most of its non-cranial extremities. The alignment of the stars that night indicates that he may eviscerate you, too, and show you your bloody entrails before severing your head.
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
This is a good time for a road trip, a vacation of sorts for you and your family this week. Look for some new people to come into your life this week. Both signify changes to your life, as the energy for Virgos this week are moving you towards new concepts and new understandings. Unfortunately, the new ideas and concepts that these new people in your life aren't very palatable to you, as they mostly involve pain, torture, and death. A vacation from Hell is in the stars for you this week. Beware of your car breaking down or needing gas in any backwater area of any godforsaken part of whatever nation you dwell in. A slack-jawed yokel working a the pitiful service station you stop at will point you to a great shortcut to get you back to where you're going. If you choose this route, you will likely be accosted and picked off one by one by bands of crazed, deranged, mutated mountain and/or tree people who - over many generations of isolation and inbreeding - have acquired a taste for human flesh. Look for the male backwoods mutants to rape and sodomize any female members of your party before slaying and eating them; of course this means you if you are indeed a girl/woman. There is a slim chance that they may spare the life of any females of child-bearing age only long enough to spawn bastard offspring from these societal rejects. Keep in mind that they would not only like to devour you, they also delight in hunting you down first; it is their favorite sport, after all... after NASCAR, that is.
LIBRA
September 23 - October 22
Being that the scales represent the sign of the Libra and that it is right in the middle of the Zodiac, you are always trying to find balance in life, whether it be balance between work and play, or diet and exercise. This week you will be trying to balance the human and the animal in you as the primal energy this week will result in you having a vicious encounter with a werewolf. It will hurt, but the bloody wounds that will result from the creature's fierce biting and razor-sharp clawing will be the least of your worries. You will survive the attack, but, yes, you guessed it, you will become like the creature that attacked you. Count on your first werewolf transformation to take place this week, especially if you live in a part of the world that will be seeing a full moon this week. The transformation will be painful but you will black out soon after it begins. While the human in you is out to lunch the beast within will run rampant, attacking many innocent, unsuspecting citizens, tearing them limb from limb. In the process you will violate many laws including assault, battery, homicide, and pooper scooper. Look for a resident in your neighborhood to be learned on werewolf lore and load his shotgun with silver pellets. As you're trying to tear apart and eat his chickens, dog, wife, children, Matrix DVD collection, or all of the above, you will encounter him and move to strike. However, he'll whip out his weapon and fire right into your chest. You will turn back into a human as you die and the last thing you'll see is the dumbfounded face of your killer.
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21
Your spirit is restless this week which prompts you to go exploring. This isn't a good idea, especially when you get the wild idea to get an inside peek at the local haunted house. This loudly becomes apparent when, once inside, the front door creaks then slams shut. You will attempt to open it again but it is somehow locked from the outside. You will yell for help but nobody will hear you. When darkness falls, you will start to hear whispers and bits of conversation between people you cannot see. The rickety steps to the upstairs will creak, old chairs will move, and things will most definitely go bump in the night. Icy but invisible hands will begin to fondle you all over which will make you scream, your heart race, and your skin crawl. It is very likely that an old lady, partially decomposed, hair flying, or some similar apparition, will come racing out of the moldy kitchen towards you, screaming. This will probably be more than your sanity can bear and could cause you to begin racing through the old, dusty, cobwebbed house like a madperson. Be careful of the rotten old steps because one or two will probably give out and send you rolling down to the bottom, snapping your neck in the process. This could paralyze you completely and unless you're found you will lie there, awake, encountering the horrors over and over again each night until you die from thirst, unable to move or even scream any longer.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
A lot of things will be "bugging" you this week. You are warned not to kill any roaches this week, for it will likely be the leader of an intelligent and vast nest of them somewhere near your house. You'll start to see a lot more of the little critters as the week goes on, infesting your house or apartment. You may find yourself at one point trapped in a closet of some kind, maybe a broom closet, or some other enclosed space like a small bathroom. If this happens, beware, because the little brown bugs will swarm you. They'll crawl all over you, enter every orifice they can gain access to, including your ears and mouth. You will try to squish them, kill as many as you can, but it will be no use. The relentless army of roaches will keep coming and will not stop until they're crawling all around your insides, slowly killing and choking you. When they are done having their fun, they will burst from your putrid body, having exacted their revenge.
CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 19
Capricorns, as you may know your sign is the goat: ambitious, patient and disciplined, but also negative, pessimistic and fatalistic. This plays well into the tribulations you'll be facing this week. Apparently you have done somebody wrong recently, somebody who just so happens to be into dark magiks, the darkest of the dark! The wrong you did probably had something to do with your negative attitude, your goat-like Capricorn trait. Well, now your victim will most likely be sending minions of everybody's favorite goat-like deity: demons! First they'll haunt your dwelling: you'll be awakened by bone-chilling, evil-sounding screams at night, chairs will fly at you, knives will cut you... and when you've had enough of that one will posess you. You will probably damage everybody around you, psychologically and physically, until you've gotten fired from your job and completely alienated yourself. Then on Saturday night, the end of this horrible week, the demons will cackle maniacally as they drag your soul back down to the hottest depths of Hell with them. Now, if you haven't done anybody wrong, there's a great possibility that you had the terrible misfortune of having the same name of somebody who did. Or the spell-caster is an idiot and misspelled the name of their actual intended target. Either way, you're still damned.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
You are notoriously perverse and unpredictable, which is why you decide to play the little Bloody Mary game in front of your bathroom mirror this weekend, most likely during a small gathering of close friends. You will laugh after you say it, confident that it is merely a stupid urban legend. Well, guess what? You're wrong. Your haughty chuckles will be silenced by the appearance of a pale, sunken-eyed, angry-looking young woman behind you. You will have very little time to scream, as Bloody Mary will most likely attack you. In seconds she will have scratched out both of your eyes, plunging you into painful darkness as she does more nasty things to you. Your friends will hear your screams but there's a very good possibility that they will dismiss them as a mere prankful attempt to stir their emotions. By the time they do check on you, you will either be severely injured or... dead!
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
That pesky Mercury retrograde this week will have you feeling like having a lot of fun, in the mood for some excitement and romance if you are a straight man or a lesbian. You will go out, attempt to meet somebody new. Unfortunately, that somebody may turn out to be none other than a succubus! That's right, this legendary female demon is REAL and plans on having sexual intercourse with you until you are completely exhausted or even dead. Sure, it promises to be the best sex of your life, but you will soon regret your promiscuous quest for booty when you realize - all too late - that it's hard to move, or even breathe, that your date is really an evil, life-sucking demon! Such a shame. Oh and if you're a straight woman, there's probably no supernatural end in store for you. With the way the stars are aligned, it looks like you're just going to be hit full speed by a mail truck while crossing the street. Didn't your mother tell you to obey the signals??