THE CORRELATION BETWEEN DRUNKENNESS AND HEIGHTENED INTELLIGENCE: Many people are led to believe that the excessive consumption of alcohol numbs the senses, negatively influences balance and decreases the capacity to think properly. Much of this is true, but there are certain things we humans become better at after the proverbial skinful. The first noticable change is a bizarre increase in the use of polysyllabic words, although they tend to be rather slurred upon delivery. This seems to be rather perverse, as the drunkard knows he has little chance of communicating at all, yet the only words he can think of are ones that could take him hours to pronounce correctly. Secondly, an acquisition of great knowledge in the subjects of Politics and Philosophy occurs; not only will the drunkard know exactly how to steer the nation away from a forthcoming recession, purely by shifting around a couple of Cabinet Ministers, but he will also be able to devise THE perfect idealist set of moral ethics, which contains absolutely no loopholes whatsoever. Thirdly, the drunkard finds he can find a perfect sexual partner for himself, based on the recently developed concept that all women are beautiful. He thus finds himself in a position to further the good of mankind, if he can avoid the perils of brewer's droop that is. Finally, the drunkard experiences a surge of self-confidence. And remember what your parents used to tell you about being able to do anything you want as long as you believe in yourself? Well, if this adage is applied, the drunkard can drink 100 pints without feeling ill, can 'have' Lennox Lewis, can fly, can write a best-selling autobiography, can afford to turn down sex with Britney Spears... | 
