you were reasonable

You were reasonable, caring and firm. You almost changed your mind; I saw you wavered, and dreamed that you’d come back. This is not how it ends. No. You told me you had nothing to give and as such you will not take.

How can I argue with that?

You were reasonable, simple, and helpful. You explained so many of the things that you were thinking, and all I could do was keep trying to kiss you. I did, and you were shocked. I did again and still you paused. One more time and you simply did not respond. I think you got used to it by the time you got up to leave. When everything had been said and I kissed you again, trying to get your taste in my mouth.

You never stopped me.

You never kissed back either, nor moved your hand when I stopped to touch it, and hold. I fear I went too far. You never touched me back, nor moved away to release yourself from my touch. Passive? But that’s mine to live with now.

You were reasonable, honest and fair. You admitted that it was not fair of you to ask me to wait until you were ready, so you did not ask. But in declaring it unfair, you did ask. You asked and I accepted, even though I know the innate futility. I will wait until I forget. I will wait until your quiet makes me remember I am waiting.

You were reasonable, simple, and right. You were right, and I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate how you did not give in. You have nothing to give, and I so much. So much I want to give. But the giving is a way of hiding the holes in my heart, desperate for a way to pretend they’re not there – a way of hiding what's wrong with me in you.

Damn you for being reasonable. Damn you for not letting me be mad. Damn you, damn you and thank you. Thank you for giving me nothing that I wanted, because you did not have it to give. Thank you for giving me everything I needed, though, in your intense reasonability.

Thank you.

You were reasonable. You were right, no matter how much it hurts.

You were right.