I was born on a hog farm in New York City. Course
they didn't call it New York city back then. They called it York New
City. Changed it a few years back. Can't understand why.
Anyway, we had
hogs. Real big hogs. Except for one tiny little hog, fit in the palm
of my hand, never grew a bit bigger. Until I decided to feed it. Then
the dang thing grew three stories tall.
And I said,
Mister Pig, why'd you grow three stories tall. And the pig said it's
Miss Pig thanks, and I said well why's it Miss Pig, and she said it's
cause you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. And I said I dunno, you're
too big for me to feed anyway, and I said where are you going?
And the pig said
Well I'll tell ya, it's called the Undiscovered Country but I don't
know what in tarnation they're talking about because I've been there
twice. Great place. Full of giant ears of corn and mountains of
diamonds and a bar run by this guy named Wackiki who makes the best
ale and the worst beer I've ever tasted, and both times I tried the
beer it was after Wackiki told me not to. And I asked him why he'd
sell that beer if it was so gosh-darn terrible.
And he said well
I'll tell ya, it all started when I was travelling west and I forgot
to stop at the ocean and I wound up in a juke joint at the bottom of
the sea and I said give me a drink before the trouble starts, and the
bartender said oh no you don't, I know that joke, get out of here or
I'll make you clean the dishes. So I cleaned the dishes for my beer.
And the beer was the best beer I ever had in the world. And I said
bartender, how'd you make this beer?
And the bartender
said Well I'll tell ya, it all started when I was a wee little thing
with only two tentacles, and I decided to swim west and I forgot to
stop at the shore, so I wound up in a Jake Joint in the middle of
Samoa. Almost got fried and served on a plate until I told them folks
I could tap dance for them and make them extra money. Except that the
floor was made entirely of clam shells and I didn't like that so much
so I said why in the hell would you make a floor entirely out of clam
shells, this is terrible for tap dancing. And they said well I'll
tell ya, you ain't in no position to make any demands are ya? And I
said Well I'll tell ya, someday I'll get more tentacles and then I'll
wallop ya. And they said where ya gonna get more, the tentacle shop?
So I went to the tentacle shop and I said Bartender, give me eight of
them arms. And the guy at the counter said the bartender's busy,
could I settle for six. And I said ayup. And he gave me six tentacles
after I sang a magnificent solo for him.
So I went back to
the Jake Joint and walloped everybody and the bartender said that
does it, any beer you sell will be the best beer anyone has ever
tasted so everything else will taste terrible to them and I said
fine, and I put my bar at the bottom of the sea so nobody but the
bravest could reach me. But you, you wandered in here like you were
strolling down the road, so maybe you're the dumbest.
And so I wandered
west from there until I hit the land again, and I kept wandering west
until I hit the ocean, and then I wandered west until I hit the land
again, and so on and eventually I came to this place with mountains
of diamonds and giant corn. And I tried to replicate that bartender's
beer but I decided I would rather do the opposite and make the worst
beer in the world so nobody would stay in this place too long because
to be perfectly honest you can't eat nothin' but corn all day.
And I said sure I
can. And Wackiki said go on, get out of here. So I got out of there,
but I came back for the ale, and Wackiki said you best be getting on.
So I said to Miss
Pig, well my friend, can I follow you to the Undiscovered Country,
and Miss Pig said you'll follow me eventually. And then she stomped
off over the horizon and I never saw her again until I decided to
wander west.
Anyway that's
where I'm from, and that's why Miss Pig here is three stories tall
now. Give me some of that ale.