Part of the problem, I suppose, is the fact that I don't feel particularly wanted by anyone I spend time with. I don't necessarily feel like I'm
not welcome, but most of the time, it seems like those around me could do without me being there. It doesn't seem to matter too much to anyone else.
I feel needed by my
friends, sometimes. I have skills that they don't, and I get called on them often to help out with a project of some description. These things make me feel needed. They don't make me feel wanted, however. In my experience, if you have a
need for someone but not a
want for them,
resentment soon follows.
I don't recall the last time someone close to me invited me out for a
movie, or
coffee, or
dinner. This is not to say I haven't spent any time with friends lately, but it's always been at my prodding and insistence. If I don't initiate these things, they don't happen. That's a warning sign, if the relationships I had when I was younger are to be trusted. When
you're always calling them, and they're never calling you, they probably don't particularly enjoy your company.
It is unfortunate that this pattern has expanded to include my
roommates, my
girlfriend, and everyone in the city of
Toronto that I have not met at my current workplace.
Of course, if voicing these feelings results in any changes in the behaviour of my friends, I would find it extremely difficult to accept them as genuine.
...
On
Jessica:
I don't write too much of the details of our relationship here, as an
unofficial rule. Having a journal that the world can read created some very real problems in prior relationships, and I was not anxious to have those situations repeat themselves. I don't think I've ever censored myself on the topic of Jessica (and if I have, it was a matter of so
little consequence that it has escaped my memory entirely), I just omit
gratuitous personal details.
Recently, however, it strikes me that this omission makes it extremely difficult to write about any details that I feel are
relevant to my journal. If I write about the behind-closed-doors issues of our relationship, it almost seems like a breach of trust, from some unspoken and unwritten agreement that Jai-shall-not-write-about-Jes.
And a
breach of trust, of course, is the last thing that you want when you're having difficulty within any kind of relationship.
...
I would be cheating my own feelings if I did not say that the thought of
escape has come to mind.