Day nine, or it is ten? Last night I dreamt that I was talking to a
woman who worked for my acupuncture guy, except in real life he doesn't
have any employees. While I was with her, I discovered these very large
dolls, one of which was a replica of her. For some reason we were
crouched down behind the counter when my acupuncture guy came into the
room. There are gaps in my dream, but the situation felt urgent so
eventually we left. I have a memory of us sitting at a wooden table
eating, and that's the last thing I can recall.
Objects: Woman, large dolls, other people (girls?), counter,
acupuncture guy, wooden table. I think we may have traveled by some sort
of boat, but I'm not sure so I'm leaving that out.
The woman was tall, blonde, and chilly. I would say that she
represents those aspects of myself. I can be very warm and loving,
however I can also be icy, frigid, and rigid depending on how I feel
about another person or a situation. The large dolls were pretty
terrifying. I now have the impression that they are the nesting Russian
style, and I think that these describe the layers of myself that I
present to others. I may seem one way superficially, but as you go
deeper, I become smaller, more delicate, and my feelings are very
fragile. The dolls are also revealing aspects of my character. I think
the last one would be painted differently than the ones that came before
it.
The wooden table was very solid and reliable, like a dependable
friend. It's practical, homey, and the light color is me too. My husband
and I are talking about buying a second condo that we can use as office
space and a yoga studio. He wants to repair the marriage, and I
understand why he wants to do that. Yesterday I was writing about a
character who emailed her sister to apologize for things she had done in
the past. She was completely honest about what she had done, and she
didn't offer any explanations either. It was a break through lightbulb
moment that I didn't recognize at the time because this is what I need
to do.
I have a very difficult time explaining how I feel to others. I will
act sad, angry, or hurt, but it is very difficult for me to verbalize
these things, and it stresses me out to have to do so. Last night my
husband and I were talking, and I was pretty calm about this despite not
feeling calm at all. Right now the area over my heart hurts. My chest
muscles are tight, and I know that there are things I need to be doing
that I'm not so this area is looser and more flexible.
I don't know why I have so much trouble being kind and empathetic to
people who are close to me. It's not just my husband, the girls get this
same treatment and I feel just awful about it. The last time I was at
the library I picked up a book on adolescents who have been diagnosed as
having a borderline personality, and at the time I was doing some
research for a character I was writing about, but as I flipped through
the book I was struck by how much of what the book said were things I
could relate to, and see in myself and my oldest daughter.
Friends of mine read what I write, and I have one friend in
particular who offers me feedback that is insightful and thought
provoking. I really don't want to be writing these kinds of things
because my fear is..., I don't know how to explain my fears because a
lot of the time I can admit that I'm afraid of many things. I think I'm
kind of afraid that I've damaged relationships to the point that they
can't be fixed, or worse, I'm using this kind of thing to get out of a
relationship that I don't want to be in any more.
I want to blame other people and say that things are their fault, but
at some point in time, I have to look at how few people I'm close to in
my family and wonder if I'm more at fault than others. When I'm online,
and specifically on Twitter, I can be the person who feels connected to
others. Sometimes other people say or do things that I don't like. I've
learned how to deal with trolls, but often the people who are harder to
deal with are the ones who tell me that they love me, or make it clear
that they like and respect me and wouldn't mind if the relationship went
deeper.
I had to unfollow this one guy who kept telling me how smart and
beautiful I was. What he was saying wasn't the problem, he crossed
lines, and I probably should have been clearer about where the
boundaries were, but it was flattering to hear what he was saying so I
kept listening. Eventually I stopped talking to him, he unfollowed me,
and that should be the end of the story, but I'm thinking about him now
because he is the type of person who really scares me.
One thing this book said was that people can misinterpret why others
are behaving a certain way. I do this quite a bit. I imagine that people
don't like me when I don't have a lot of proof of that, and I can
convince myself that others are worth hanging onto when they've
repeatedly shown me who they are. We all have character flaws, but there
are those that I can forgive, and those that I need to let go of which
is what my acupuncture guy keeps telling me. He says that I'm clinging
onto whatever because I'm afraid to let go, and it is scary for me.
I often feel empty, alone, as if life is pointless, and I really
don't care about a lot of things so I can step back and be dispassionate
about whatever. Then there is the intense fiery side who will say or do
anything to feel wanted, needed, loved, and accepted. This person can
be comforting and loving, often she wants to be held, touched, cuddled,
massaged, and kissed, but not by the people who are willing t...
I walked away from this to take a nap. Sorry kids.