The following is intended to be an earplay.
Operator: 911. What is the nature of your
emergency?
Alfred: The-there’s something in my house.
Operator: Can you be more specific?
Alfred: There’s something in my house, and I want it gone!
Operator: Alright, sir. Could you tell me your name?
Alfred: My name is Alfred Whinstein, and I live at 562 Diego St.
Operator: Alfred, do you need
police assistance?
Alfred: Yes! Police! Yes! Anything!
Operator: Are you in danger?
Alfred: Yes! Damnit, send someone over here now!
Operator: Alright, Alfred, I’m going to need you to speak calmly so I can get the information to police
dispatch. Someone is on their way, but I need you to stay on the line and give me information, alright?
Alfred: Yes…alright.
Operator: Could you describe the thing?
Alfred: Well, it’s got
one giant eye, and
a big horn in the middle of it’s head.
Operator: …Is it purple?
Alfred: I-I think…I’m not sure. I just came home, and it was there. I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Operator: Are you sure it’s still there?
Alfred: Yes, I can here its
wings flapping outside the door.
Operator: Alright, Alfred. I’m afraid it’s a One-eyed, One-horned, Flying, Purple People Eater
.
Alfred: A what?
Operator: A Purple People Eater.
Alfred: Seriously?
Operator: I’m afraid so.
Alfred: What do I do?
Operator: I’m sorry, there’s not much you can do. I’m recalling the police now.
Alfred: Wait, what? Why?
Operator: If I send anyone over the Purple People Eater would eat them. I’m sorry.
Alfred: That’s ridiculous! Send someone over!
Operator: I’m sorry, it’s against
policy. I can’t send emergency personnel anywhere they are likely to be eaten
. You’ll have to deal with it yourself.
Alfred: Alright, what do I do?
Operator: Where is the PPE now?
Alfred: In my bedroom.
Operator: Do you know how it got there?
Alfred: No. I just came home, and there it was looking at my
CD collection. When I yelled, it chased me into the bathroom.
Operator: Okay, that’s not good. It knows you’re there…is there a window in your bedroom?
Alfred: No.
Operator: Did you close your front door when you came home?
Alfred: Yes…Can’t I just kill it? Like with
bug spray or something
?
Operator: I’m sorry, but no. Too many people have tried and failed.
It can’t be stopped.
Alfred: Are you sure you can’t send anyone to help?
Operator: I’m sure. Right now we need to focus on containing the PPE so that it doesn’t get out and kill anyone else.
Alfred: Well, what about me?
Operator: I’m sorry. If you try to leave it will chase you. You are just going to have to stay home, and
take one for the team.
Alfred: Alright. I’ll do what I can.
Operator: God speed, Alfred Whinstein.